Scream Above the Sounds
Looking For My Light
I'm feeling very disconnected lately, from everything. My sleeping pattern will surely have something to do with it but I don't know, I just feel very closed off and lost. I've been reading and watching a lot of emotional stuff too, so I'm feeling a little sad. I've been thinking about things and people that make me happy. Some of those people aren't around anymore, some have died, some have left, some have just got tired of my shit I guess. I'm grateful for the people that I do have but ultimately I think there is a big fear of me being alone for the rest of my life. I know that sounds a little dramatic. Sometimes I talk about it as if it isn't that important and hey, maybe it isn't. I don't believe that you NEED somebody to be happy, but nobody really wants to be alone, do they? They say that 'there is somebody for everybody' and I believe that. I just think the 'somebody's' who were meant for me are either gone or the chance has completely passed me by.
I don't want to be alone forever because I did have hopes and aspirations for a family someday. It still scares me to think about a family, even at 28. I guess I'm still in a very weird transitional phase in my life, where I'm studying and things aren't exactly stable. I just don't think I'll ever find somebody who truly gets me. Everybody is getting married and having kids and it just makes me think, why was I so stupid growing up? Why didn't I pay attention? Why didn't I aspire to be something better? Why was I happy working nights in a shitty retail store for 3 years? I know I'm making a difference now but...why not before? I really do wish I could go back in time and fix things with Michelle too, I mean..not fix things. Not fuck them up in the first place is probably a better way of putting it. It's been on my mind quite a bit lately, some of the things she said to me have really stuck. We speak quite intermittently via Facebook because she's usually so busy, but it's always great to hear from her. Sadly she can't ever be what I need her to be, not anymore. That's a chance that's completely come and gone and whilst I do believe there is something special between me and her, still to this day, it's a pretty impossible ask. I don't think she would ever rule me and her out but I don't think we could ever get back to that place again. I would never want to mess with her feelings, she's been in a relationship for almost a year now and I think it's going really well. I am happy for her, maybe a bit bitter with myself because I feel like me and her really should have been but I can't dwell on it. I'm grateful that I'm still a part of her life and I do feel very special when she talks about me and we reminisce about the way things were. I hope no matter what happens, we'll remain in contact now. I'll always feel awful for the way things ended between me and her, I was a selfish, naive idiot. I don't wanna lose her again.
I guess I'm just hoping that I can find somebody someday that makes me feel the way she did; not even just the way she made me feel but who she is as a person. She really was perfect for me, our interests were the same, we just really clicked, I had never known or seen anything like it. Meeting in a chat room and bonding over Zelda and Nintendo, it was just so bizarre, it was amazing. She completely doted on me too, she found me so interesting and was really attentive. I really fucked this one up. I don't use my ex as a prime example because of the way things ended between us. That relationship has been painted with a bad brush because the last two years were just horrendous. I could write millions of things about how good my ex was and everything she done for me, she was a diamond but I guess in some ways its unbearable to talk about the relationship. I thought about her the other day and wondered how she was doing, I'm sure she's doing great. The only reason I was thinking about her was because I found old pictures of our kittens and it got me thinking. It's crazy that it's been almost a year since I left.
I don't know if or when it will be but I just hope I can feel some sort of fulfilment one day. I'm not even sure what that 'fulfilment' is and I guess that's why I'm still looking for my light. I don't know if it's happiness, a relationship, maybe it's just everything. Just feeling content and knowing the train that is your life is finally on the right track. I feel like I've been a runaway train for years. There is finally direction but I need to focus, push myself and try and stay positive. It's just so difficult when you feel so alone and all of your friends are scattered across different countries. I don't know if I can do this on my own. Sometimes it hurts being in a dark room all day/night and staring at the same four walls.
I'm going to try and nap for a bit now, I did try previously but I just can't seem to turn my brain off, so I figured I'd try and write. I only want to sleep for a few hours because it's the Royal Rumble tonight and I have plans to watch it with a friend (We're watching it online together). I've already done my run today, so maybe I'll jump on the exercise bike a bit later tonight for 30 mins. I've also decided that someday I want to get a kitten and name it Seto, from Final Fantasy 7 (If you know, you know)