Scream Above the Sounds
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It's been a while since I've written anything, I haven't really been busy but I guess I just haven't had a lot to say. I've had a lot on my mind though. I've been catching up with a lot of college work, I had another presentation that I gave on Wednesday which got me another A so as far as that goes, I'm killing it. Maths is a struggle though, I'm not one for self diagnosis or anything but I do genuinely believe that I have dyscalculia or some mild form of it, if that's possible. I also thought I suffered with bipolar but I'm probably just overthinking that, both of these would certainly explain why I am the way I am though.When I read about it, I start believing it more and more. I feel genuinely hopeless when it comes to maths and if I can just grind out a 'C', I will be amazed. I don't NEED to pass maths to get to where I want to go but I would like to do it for myself. I'm glad it's Friday either way, my body clock is screwed up again, its 3:09am as I write this.
I think I'm coming down with something, not only do I want to sleep all the time but I can't stop sneezing and I feel a headache from hell on the horizon. I'll probably get straight back into bed when I get home today, I'll be home by 12pm and I don't really have any plans. My friend wants to put together some sort of group for an 'extreme' trial in Final Fantasy so maybe we'll do that. Arsenal are also hosting Manchester United tonight and as much as I really don't want to watch it, I'll have to. Manchester United are scaring me under Ole, they really do feel revitalised and ready to fight. They have a very good record against us too, home or away. I'll say a prayer and hope for the best.
I haven't really spoken to my friend since the whole distancing thing, it sucks but, it is what it is. I can't change it and I shouldn't. She has spoken to me briefly but they have mainly just been passing comments and stuff, we haven't really had proper conversations or anything. I told her that I wouldn't seek her out or anything anymore but if she wanted to talk to me, she could. I know she is desperate to get over me. I don't even know what the appeal is, she'll see through me eventually. She told her boyfriend that she has feelings for me because she felt like it was the right thing to do, so I guess that was really brave of her. I don't think he was mad, I think he was more upset that things got to that stage where somebody else was comforting his woman because he didn't know how or didn't care. I imagine they are probably in a good place now and I wonder if she even spares a thought to me. I do miss her a lot, I've refrained from playing FFXIV as much because she's usually on and I guess I don't want her to see me and I'm just trying to give her all the space she needs. It's really shitty that it's come to this and I feel like we're likely going to become strangers. I just hope she never forgets how much we did for one another and that we had a really strong bond. I do miss her a lot.
I feel like I'm up for the day now so I guess I'll do my Social Science assignment or maybe even log into FFXIV and continue levelling my Samurai. The geek lyfe never truly stops. I think we have to talk to our tutors today about what we want to study and which university we would like to go to. I think I've got Newcastle in my head still, I'm romanticising with the thought of just getting the fuck out of this town because I know I don't belong here anymore. I could start again and rebuild myself up somewhere new. I don't feel like I'm capable of being on my own either and Aaron is a very good friend to me, it sounds a bit sad but he would look after me, you know? He would make sure I was doing okay, he would help manage my mental health and he would be a good gym buddy for me. I should probably stay in this city because I think it would really hurt my mum if I left. My sister is more or less a stranger and she can't even stop at the house for longer than 30 minutes these days, I know that upsets my mother. I don't know, we'll have to wait and see.