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2019-01-22 21:08:37 (UTC)


i had a dream about toby last night. in the dream i was at this family house - his estate and i was a guest there. his mum had some kind of school or institution for youths, which she ran out of the estate, and i was one of the mentors. Toby was my love interest in the dream and it was fairly mutual. even though we kept it quiet so that his mum wouldn’t know. he was still coming about to make sure that i was ok, and that i had everything i needed. his mum was sweet too - she gave me clothes to wear after the ones i was wearing got messy. i remember entering an IT room, a music lab and i remember Toby’s face but a younger version like an early twenties version. he was sweet and unassuming and attentive but smart and leader-like. this dream is a result of how much space he’s taken up in my mind. i’m thinking about him all the time. and i don’t know whether he’s playing games or whether he’s just uninterested. or rather less interested than i am. i’m lost for what to do because he’s put me in such a corner. He’s cancelled three different times now, between last week sunday and this friday just gone. we were supposed to do something on sunday, because i suggested we do something and he was like ‘ok’. then he messaged me later on in the day on sunday to say ‘i have to cancel can we do tomorrow instead, cos i wanna be fresh for work tomorrow’ i was bummed but since it was only tomorrow, it still gave me something to look forward to. I agreed. but the thing with agreeing after someone cancels on you last min is that you feel a little sour and the power dynamics shift in their favour. now it because hard to reconcile that power shift with the fact that you REALLY REALLY want to see them and spend time with them. so you end up saying yes to monday. because you cannot imagine delaying it any longer. but then you also feel kinda sour because of the sense of disempowerment. why do they do this?

he did say that he feels like i am always trying to one-up him or leave ‘better off’ than him. and he has these imagined slights and imagined hurts that he actually responds to. like when he retold the story of how i left him at that bar the house, it sounded so different to how it actually went down in my mind. in his mind i disrespected him and he was so angry. he said ‘i saw red’. literally. then he told me the story of how i said ‘whatever’ to him at the arcade and how that pissed him off, and then the time when he said ‘he doesn’t really wana go to some hotel’ it was in direct retaliation to my ‘whatever’. and when i went for a kiss in the car that time he dropped me home, he didn’t respond for the first 4 seconds and he eventually said it was in retaliation to that. he’s also said himself that he’s vindictive. so i don’t know what imagined hurt he’s responding to by being hot and cold. but it’s annoying and upsetting and confusing.

then the second time was when he called me on thursday afternoon at work and we had a really lovely, flirtatious conversation, both laughing etc. then off the back of that, feeling spontaneous i asked him what he was doing later that evening, besides having wine with me? and he responded with ‘location?’ so long and short we planned to meet that evening for wine at my house. i even went and called my cleaner to come and clean, called paul my nail person to come since my nails were looking less than, and planned to leg it home after work to spruce up the place a little. but then around 4pm or so, he messages with ‘can we do tomorrow instead?’ i legit feel like i might fall asleep at the steering. and i was like ‘oh no, we don’t want that.’ i was bummed but once again since he said ‘tomorrow’ i didn’t lament too much. i asked him to call me and when he did, i said ‘how tired are you feeling’ and we laughed about it and he said he just feels like his ‘chi’ is in tomorrow more and he’d like to give it a higher chance of having a good time than today. then he said let’s still do it at my place and i said that’s what i was going to suggest anyway. and he said ok i should come and pick him up on my way home we’d have one drink at his place and then we’d go to mine together, that makes more sense. i agreed. i told him be ready for 6:30pm/7pm. he said ok sounds good. i understood and made peace with it and said ok. tomorrow was friday so i guess it meant we could chill. although in my mind it kinda threw a wrench in my plans. i was thinking initially that if we saw eachtoher on Thursday, i could have friday open to do something with chba at an art event. which would mean that i could see him on saturday. but as you’d predict i shamelessly cancelled my friday plans with chba (even tho i had told him i might come)… to make room for toby. friday comes and i’m so giddy with excitement like i have no appetite for food or anything. I’m doing nothing but drinking water to ward off any spots and i’m taking burdock root, and even used that peel thingy i bought the day before. my nails are did, my house has been thoroughly cleaned and left in a state ready for me to receive him. before i left the house that morning, i made sure my bed was made, and i took my makeup with me so that i could do it at work before leaving to get him. everything was set in motion.

this is where it goes south again. i feel like our interaction or relationship or our friendship or whatever the fuck you want to call it, does this thing where everytime we see it picks up, it leaps three steps forward and then he’ll do something to take it 4 steps backwards. And on friday i felt like this happened in a big way. and isima was involved…but that’s a whole other story.

How it happened was i get a text from him around 2pm talking about ‘i have to apologise again, something’s come up.i’ll explain when we see….raincheck for next week?’ my heart absolutely sinks. my day goes to shit. my mood drops. i suddenly notice every annoying thing around me that i’d been oblivious to the whole day prior. i’m so upset. not only because he’s cancelled but bcos he’s talking about ‘next week’..i’m thinking wtf? what happened to the 48 hour stretch of the weekend we have ahead of us, why wouldn’t he wanna reschedule for saturday or sunday? i feel hurt and slighted. then it begins - i get a call from isima saying ‘your friend just called me’.. and i’m like who - but of course i already know who she means cos my heart sinks - and she says ‘what’s his name - toby’ and i’m like wtf. i have all sorts of questions and i have a hard time calming myself cos obvs i don’t wanna come across like i’m jealous or suspicsiou of her. so i ask ‘what did he say?’ then she says ‘oh just asked how i was, said he came across my number on his phone etc.’ then i say ‘that’s soo random’ and i ask ‘is this the first time he has called u since u got number etc.? she responds yea it is. then i said have you texted? and she goes ‘oh yea’ then i’m like ‘huh, what have u texted saying’ and in this way that drips with guilt like she knows how it looks, she says ‘only how’s your week, what u up to etc. she said he messaged her first. the fact that she hasn’t told me that she and toby have been exchanging messages. then i ask the bitch to send me screen shots of the messages. she stalls for a while at first and then

you have a very low tolerance for vulnerability, as in you go to great lengths to hide your vulnerability. you have these imagined slights - it’s ok to have them but when you now act on them with no evidence it becomes something else.

I’m Saying this more as a friend than as someone who has a crush on you

When I asked u what would make u happier, you said finding the right mix of people that are your people. Etc. 

But how will you ever find those people if you never allow yourself to be vulnerable? With you it’s a game of whoever cares less wins. Something doesn’t feel right, but rather than confront them, let me strike them first before they even think of striking me. 

You have to be willing to take a risk. Like in business there’s very few scenarios where you get great reward with zero risk. If you’re not willing to take the risk

Someone who’s not willing risk being vulnerable doesn’t deserve to be in 

1. ? - RSVP - didn’t talk much
2. 23rd Dec - Beach day
3. 23rd Dec - The House
4. 24th Dec - Brunch
5. 24th Dec - Drinks at 1313
6. Friday 4th-5th Jan - Arcade/Hotel/Velvett/Waterfront/Pancakes
7. Monday 7th Jan - Art Cafe
8. Thursday 17th Jan - Wine at mine

Firstly,Sex makes me feel closer to someone, and its not a good idea to feel that way with somebody who’s sparring with me.

Secondly, I don’t want casual sex or a fling.

1. Childish and weird