Canadian Cutie

Life through my spiritual eyes❤️
2019-01-18 17:53:32 (UTC)

Creature of habit

Listening to: Without me - Halsey (love love this song)

You're always always, always going to be on your way to something more, always. And when you relax and accept that and stop beating up on yourself for not being someplace that you're not, and instead, start embracing where you are while you keep your eye on where you're going now, life becomes really really fun! ~abraham hicks

I had a good day out with my co-worker. We had some retail therapy and a nice healthy lunch out. I only ate a few bites as my appetite has been very minimal lately. When I am stressed, food is the last thing I want. I think the stress right now more comes from the change than the actual circumstance. I am a creature of habit..when my routine is altered.. I tend to become stressed until the new routine becomes stabilized and well, routine lol.

My life has changed in the past few months in so many areas. Relationships, work, friends..daily routine's.. It's no wonder I struggled. Thankfully I have had some constants in my life to keep me grounded. I am so thankful to that.. but I think the normalcy is starting to happen and things are finally calming down. I had my breakdown. I hit the bottom, I dropped to my knees.. I cried and mourned and now it's time to get up off my knees, dust myself off and start my journey up hill.. I don't intend to speak any more about 2018 and my struggles because I truly believe god has His plan.. Life happens the way it's supposed to and in time I will see those reasons clearly. I also believe I am never given more than I can handle. I may have been knocked to my knees and despite going through the worst heartbreak of my life... It may be battered and bruised but my heart's still beating and I still feel love for those in my life so I know it still works. Just because I won't speak of my past doesn't mean they haven't played a huge part in my life and how my future plays out. I just have to leave my fate in the hands of god and focus on myself and reaching the goals I have set for myself. I have come SO far in my life from the scared little girl I once was and I will continue to fight for her.
~I had to be alone to find myself, I had to find me.. to be free ~ Holly Kallums

I had therapy today and sometimes that's all I need to kick my ass and make me suck up the sucky parts of life and appreciate what's in front of me and lately that is exactly what I needed. I have had therapy twice this week and each time I left feeling more positive than when I walked in. We decided for now I am going to go 3 times a week. My therapist has always been more than just a therapist... He's been my rock at the worst times of my life.. After traumatic events (I am not ready to disclose here) ..after the loss of a attempted suicide...after the loss of my father, my mother and through every single struggle I have faced. He's been there. I told Him today in a very emotional moment how much He's saved me. Even HE teared up lol. He makes me think of every blessing I have and today He gave me a journal.. different from the one I write in before bed.. this one He said He wants me to use as an appreciation journal..where I write no less than 3 things I am grateful for every day. I promised Him I would do it.

After I left the shrink, B called and we had a good talk, He asked how therapy went for me and we talked while I drove for my 2nd trip to the gym today and put even more down on that floor. I feel unstoppable in my weight loss and health. I don't have much to lose anymore and I get told by my family and friends I don't need to lose anymore but I have a goal I want to reach and ffs this year I am going to meet that goal and crush it then schedule my surgery :) I showered at the gym and ran few errands before B asked me to meet Him to talk so I went and we sat in His car. I was barely in His car and He grabbed me and kissed me..I said "well hello to You too" and He laughed.. It got serious and He asked me if I was seeing others. I asked Him where that came from and He just said "Listen, it's been on my mind..I really care for you but" (He paused and looked out the side window) after a minute I took His hand and said "but what? would You rather end whatever this is we have?" He turned His head quickly to me and with a loud voice said "No I want you as mine and I am beginning to f....I cut Him off and I said "please don't say it" and I started tearing up....He nodded and looked down then He said "but I know you aren't ready and I am ok with that and will wait however long I need to but I need to know you aren't doing what we do, with other Doms".. I told Him I wasn't and wasn't looking for anyone else. I asked if He met someone He wanted to explore with and He said "No and I told you I have no intentions on it, I am focused on you. I just need to know where your head is". I explained that I am just not ready to be in a committed D/s relationship but I was not seeking anyone else. He was the only one..I said I am just not ready for labels..That I will always be honest with Him..He was happy with that. We talked about His prior D/s relationships and how what He was seeking was not what we have.. I asked if that's a bad thing.. He said no..He said what He found in me He didn't know existed.. He said it wasn't what He was looking for but it's definitely what He wants...We spent a bit longer together and then I left and now home.

I am tired and sleepy and my muscles ache.. I feel good about my day overall.. I know I will have ups and downs but I think the worst is over and I am on my way back up. I feel positive about my future and excited to see where it goes.