2019-01-18 00:35:13 (UTC)


Each time I do this, each time I repeat this, it's like I set my soul on fire. And I watch it burn slowly over time just to achieve a career path via means of higher education. All three of my brothers have full-time jobs and can afford to do things, but I will be the first in the family to receive a Bachelor's degree.
But I have to be patient. I have to be strong. I have to keep pushing myself forward. It's going to suck but it's all I can do. I have so many people who supported me from the beginning that I can't let them down 'til the end. I secretly resent letting everyone help me, because I am all alone in some random city away from my family. But more than anything, I really enjoy the thought of being away from home. I really enjoy escaping all that bullshit I left there. And I love feeling free to smoke here and be who I want to as an adult. I feel empowered and independent here, but I have all the resources in Chicago. It's a inescapable dilemma, and I need to decide soon if I'm going to work in Springfield or going to work in Chicago.
My brothers resent my mom for sucking them dry of their money. She claims she doesn't do it, but she's stubborn, and she could never see it that way. It's what my brothers find the most frustrating thing about her. They've told me that avoiding her would be a good thing and that I would save up a lot more money away from her in the long run. In that case, staying far away from here would require me to live in Springfield. It would be nice to live far away from Chicago, but I never pictured it would be Springfield.
I am overwhelmed by what I need to do in the coming months. I have to quit smoking weed, create a resume and portfolio, save three hundred dollars for graduation things, interview for a job at a hospital, and apply for graduation. It feels like...
Kindling. My soul is on fire thinking about it. But it has to keep burning for me to succeed. I have to be happy and find a purpose to keep living. Even when it gets rough, and even when I can't do it any more.
I bought a bunch of personal care items today. Extraordinarily, I downloaded an app that allows me to be more productive. For the first two days, it has actually worked pretty well. However, we will see about the long-term. I also restarted my self-repair streak. My best streak was 61 days. It's a shame that it ended to something so boring...repeatedly. I'm gonna be really bad at this adulting shit; I need to shape it up soon. I miss my queen-size bed in Chicago and being high and playing Overwatch and Smash. It was good times. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be as good a brother as mine were to me. My family always takes care of me regardless of how steep I go. I have to make them proud, and that ultimately means that I have to acknowledge my independence as an adult. I can't keep relying on them forever. I know they need me to grow up now.
And trust me,
I will.