Scream Above the Sounds
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2019-01-18 02:32:47 (UTC)


I spoke to one of my friends yesterday. We haven't spoken properly in years but I found a picture she drew of me and her back in 2015 and it prompted me to message her. I really fucked up with her, I knew it back then but even more so after yesterday. It sounds a bit crazy and I suppose at the time, it was. I met her in a chat room online and you were able to tag interests, I think we had 3-4 but Zelda is what immediately brought us together. We decided that we wanted to stay in contact with each other afterwards and we grew incredibly close. We started doing other things together like watching Dexter and playing Final Fantasy XIV. I had never really been in a situation like this where I had felt quite strongly about somebody who I didn't already know in real life. (She lives in Puerto Rico). I can still remember when the announcement for the Final Fantasy 7 remake dropped and me and her lost our minds. I have really great memories of her.

Like most of my stories, I was stupid, naive and weak. Part of me always told me that me and her were meant to be together and she more or less confirmed that for me when we spoke yesterday. We grew apart though and it was my fault. I guess I wasn't over my ex and I wasn't ready. I really hurt her and I still feel terrible for it. I remember she always told me that she had plans to move to America eventually and I think the fact she lived in another country, it always made me think that it was impossible. I did feel a lot for her though. I was telling her about my life and everything that had happened in 2018. She told me what had happened in her life too and that she has a boyfriend now and she's a qualified teacher, I'm super proud of her. We've agreed that hopefully we can start talking properly again and maybe be close friends. I did know that I fucked up and I did try and fix things with her at one point but it was too late. I can still remember sending her messages saying how sorry I was and that I wished things were different. I had already hurt her and she didn't want to know me anymore, I completely understand why. That being said, she did say she regretted not giving me another chance and said if she did, she knows that we would be together now. It made me happy but it also cut really deep to read that.

We had something really special and we just connected and clicked on such a level and I really messed that up. I think no matter what happens in my life now, that will always be a huge regret. I continued to put myself through so much pain when me and my ex should have called it a day years ago. Michelle was perfect for me to be honest and maybe that was the problem, things would have been too good to be true. I'm not used to happiness and Michelle would have filled that void perfectly, I guess I always feel like I don't deserve happiness and I definitely didn't deserve her.

I've always missed her and wanted her back in my life, probably in a romantic sense because deep down I guess I always thought me and her were meant to be. I'm not a believer in fate but what we had and the way we connected was just so different from anything else I had experienced before. Even though it's too late now, she's still extremely special and important to me and if I can have her in my life in SOME capacity, then that's good enough for me. I said so much stuff to her last night that I guess I've wanted to say for the last two years but the timing has never been right and in all honesty, I thought she wouldn't want to know. I don't forgive myself for hurting her, even if she's in a much better position now. It's great to see how much she's grown, I can remember when we used to sit on Skype together and she always told me about her plans and now she's actually a qualified teacher. She's doing great, the last thing I want to do is dive back into her life and mess things up or cause her pain.

She said 'Life is unpredictable'. Who knows? Maybe some day her and me will reconnect and be together but it's not something I'm going to entertain. My heart is in an extremely weird place as it is and the last thing I would want to do is torture myself with memories or something that should have been. I'm not jealous and I'm definitely not bitter, I'm just upset with myself I guess. She'll always be super important to me no matter what happens.