Canadian Cutie

Life through my spiritual eyes❤️
2019-01-14 17:21:13 (UTC)

Growth and comfort do not co-exist❤

Listening to: Getting Into a D/s Mindset | Loving BDSM Podcast

Today was a good day at work.. slowly it's getting busier, the slow season is easing out which is nice because now I have more to do..which helps the time fly. We had a lot of laughs while we sat around doing nothing most the day lol

I met with B after work.. I felt a knot in my tummy all day over this conversation. I kinda think He knew it was coming. He didn't seem surprised. He asked if it's something He can fix.. then He did ask me to reconsider and if I ever decided I wanted to try again.. He would really like that. He was nicer than I deserved. I had no business being with Him while I am still healing/hurting. I can only say I have been 100% honest. He knew we met a week after my relationship ending and He knew how fresh I was out of it. I told Him in the beginning I am really not seeking but He was persistent. He was supportive and it felt good to have someone see something special in me. I know I don't need someone to validate me but my self worth was tanked at the time and He did help me. He just couldn't heal or get to my heart. He's a good Man and I hope He finds someone who sees that and can give Him all I couldn't. I could see His eyes water when He said "He has no idea how lucky He is to have your heart"..I started crying then and just kept saying "I am so sorry" He said "I don't blame you. I could never blame you" then He said He had to go and gave me a hug and left. I sat in my car and cried..Not because I am sad it's over..I know in my heart I did the right thing..but because I hurt Him but I am just not ready and He deserves someone who can give Him all of themselves. I gave my heart away a long time ago and I never got it back. I deleted His contact information and anything I had of Him. I hope He truly finds what He deserves. I am just not her.

I am home now for the evening. I work tomorrow again and then I have a nail appointment at 2:30. Don't know why that is always such a hard decision lol. What to get next lol. I am very particular when it comes to my nails. I use to like it when my (former) Dom would say "get red or pink"..made choices easier lol. It's really difficult as a submissive who is use to being owned learn to adapt to making all her own decisions again or having full control over your activities and schedule and even your body. You give up so much control of Yourself to a Dominant. I had tasks and expectations and rules that I followed to keep Him happy. I crave that structure and to surrender that control but I sometimes rebutted against tasks. I know now it was beyond wrong. I had those tasks and rules for a reason, to keep consistency and keep me feeling in place, owned. I wish I had those tasks now, that structure..but even heavier set. Weird I know..but it helps me feel in place.

The below is just a general idea of what I am working on in my submissive journal. I have had questions about my submissive journal. It is here in this diary site but I keep it private due to very personal details of my submission I cannot put out here publically but below is just what I am working on currently. (If D/s doesn't interest you, please scroll past it)

In my submissive growth I am working on something called 30 Days of D/s Workbook. It's a program designed to help P/people in this lifestyle think through their feelings about specific aspects of Dominance and submission. Each page of the worksheet asks a different question and covers a specific topic each day. I get through my email daily for 30 days and each day I work on it. I also am doing other things but this is really helping me understand things I never really considered or knew before like for example.. Why Dom's ask things of us that to us, we don't understand the reasoning. So what I am working on now is.. "Tasks in D/s relationship" I am learning every task has a purpose. There are 4 specific types of tasks in a D/s relationship.. 1st is....Tasks that service His needs.. 2nd, Tasks that service my needs.. 3rd, tasks that challenge me and push my boundaries and finally 4th, yes lol, tasks that are sexy and fun and feed His sexual needs and desires. To explain those who do not understand how tasks play a part in the 4 areas I expressed. Here is an examples of how tasks play a part in D/s..and these are just MY beliefs. Right or wrong in other's eyes..they are just my beliefs..

1st "Tasks that serve His needs could be simple things that make His life easier. For example..if you live together.. you could do simple things that make His life easier..ie, making sure His coffee is ready, or the home is clean and in order, His favorite food is in the house, His clothes are clean..a Man's home is His castle..It should be a place where His life is calm and peaceful. If it's long distance it can be things like..Being His date minder..reminding Him of things He needs to remember. It can be keeping yourself behaved and in place. It can be listening and supporting when He just wants to vent. I myself love that responsibility. I like being His calm in the storm. I feel fulfilled knowing He's peaceful. (when I was owned lol)

2nd "Tasks that service my needs"...He use to have me workout and eat healthy and get good sleep. It kept me in a healthy place and therefore made myself better able to take care of Him.. My Dom's knew having my nails done were a pamper for me. They encouraged that because it made me feel good to have them done.

3rd, "Tasks that challenge me and push my boundaries"..I had tasks of pictures or stories or wearing things that reminded me of my place out in public. A constant reminder. It was a task made so I felt in place when we weren't in contact. Stories pushed me because I am naturally shy, so to write something erotic.. pushed my comfort levels. Same for pictures. He boosted my confidence by praise when I did well on my tasks.

Finally 4th, " It can be simple things like edging or orgasm control..It's feeling His ownership and yes it feeds His kinky needs. It can be wearing things or obtaining things or prepping to see Him..

The idea behind any task is to help or make me feel my submission and His ownership and to allow him to assert his Dominance. You may need to remind yourself in the beginning of your daily tasks and expectations but the more often you do something, the quicker it becomes habit. I became in the habit of doing tasks that were asked of me and only now do I notice how much structure and how I felt my submission...now that I no longer have the tasks to do. I now see why I had the tasks I had.. I didn't feel my submission but now that I am working on my submissive growth and my journal. I am finding I feel my submission despite not having a D/s relationship at this time. Anyways, I rambled.. this is just something I am passionate about. My submission. I never use to be comfortable with who was staring back in the mirror.. I knew I was a good person and had a good heart but I knew I had areas that needed improvement and I now look in the mirror and like what I am seeing. I know I am becoming the best version of myself through this growth. It hasn't been easy but it's been worth it. I had to endure the biggest heartbreak of my life to grow into who I am meant to be.

“I learned to always take on things I'd never done before. Growth and comfort do not coexist.” - Ginni Rometty❤

Ok, now I am done rambling.. lol, My night is filled with a hot bath, put away some laundry and do some more writing and researching.. I am still exhausted but feeling better since I sat down to write. Always helps to write..

I hope everyone has a wonderful evening ❤