Scream Above the Sounds
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2019-01-13 23:50:36 (UTC)

Staying Hungry

For once, I'm not talking about food. However, me and my family are going out Tuesday evening for what will likely be some true, fat food. I'm thinking Five Guys or KFC. People talk about cheat days and Tuesday...it's my turn. I really need to try and eat better generally, it's just a nightmare because I'm so damn picky with food. I'm just going to find myself working twice as hard because I can't eat anything healthy. I don't do any fruit and the only veg I really have is corn on the cob and that's hardly worth shouting about when you're caking it in butter and all that. I dunno, I just need to force myself to try new things. I haven't been drinking coke for weeks now and I'm really proud of that. I was horrific for it, I used to go through 2 litre bottles daily sometimes. Pepsi seduces me every time. Now I just drink squash mainly.

I was SO hungover today. I can't believe how much I drank last night and just looking back at my latest picture on my Instagram, I was a mess. I didn't go to bed until about 7am, decided to pour out my feelings to one of my best friends and ultimately just made an idiot of myself really. I need to screw my head on properly and get a grip. I didn't get out of bed until like 4:30pm. Despite the hangover from hell, today has actually been quite successful. I went for my usual run and had a new record time: 9:52:23! That's me running from my house, looping all the way around past my friends and then past the shops and back to mine. Sadly I had a rest after I got past my friends house but I feel like I'm getting so much better at this. Running from mine just to my friends was 7:37:16.

I got home and had a bath and then I played some 'Lets Go, Pikachu!' on the Nintendo Switch, it's so much fun. It's such a big nostalgia hit and the soundtrack still holds the keys to my heart. I love it. I only played it for about an hour and then I decided it was time to crack on with my English presentation which is due Tuesday. It's finished now. I have another presentation that I need to finish for Wednesday which I'm struggling with but hopefully I'll find the motivation to do that tomorrow!

My best friend goes back on the boat tomorrow so I'm on my own now. I probably won't see him for about 5-6 weeks so this is time for me to seriously push myself and improve in his absence. He wants us to do a full 5k run without stopping when he gets back and I really don't want to disappoint him. I want to prove to him and more importantly, myself that I can do this. I want to get fitter, I want to be leaner, I want to be stronger. I'm hungrier now than I've ever been and I would love to actually feel confident enough this summer to actually go to a beach and not wear a shirt. I'm not HUGE or anything but I know that I'm unhappy and embarrassed as it stands. I'm going to keep the running and the exercise bike up every day if I can, as well as doing some intense body work outs at home. I won't quit or walk away from this, if I don't commit to this now, I never will.

Commit to fitness ✅
Stay on top of work in college ✅
Pursue a new relationship ❌

I cross the third one out because I don't think I need it. I do feel incredibly alone and there is a massive void in my life but I shouldn't even entertain the idea. My heart is already in a weird place as it is and my brain is completely fried about my current situation. Feelings suck.


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