My Journey to better mental health and a happier future
Today is the day
I have spent my time watching programmes I could never watch before, interacting online with so many inspirational people and finding fresh ways of dealing with mental health. I am 42 years old, though I don't look it. Hell! What have looks got to do with it anyway? You see most of my young adult life up to now has been full of pain and abuse and there has been some violence in the mix. As a result of this nasty roller-coaster, I went through a painful rollercoaster of psychiatric admissions which started before my diagnosis was corrected, I suffered the trauma of twice having my children taken from me and the painful consequence of losing one to adoption. I spent many years calling myself an 'un-fit mother, worthless, useless, stupid' and many names, despite numerous workers telling me that I am a good parent who has been very ill. However, I look at other parents, and some with mental illness and other disabilities are looking after their own children at home, and I often think why not me? Why was it me who was bullied, abused, violently attacked, had my property destroyed and was left homeless. The truth is I'm a very sensitive, vulnerable person, prone to getting hurt, yet a lot of the times in the past I tried talking and no one heard me until things got worse, which I won't talk about here, I'm trying to change my future and not let those painful things get in my way.
I always wanted to be a singer. I sang in plays, at school, in choirs, sometimes shows, and I'm always singing today. I was recently caught singing 'Grow up' into a hairbrush. Olly Murs, oh my! What can I say. I'm a very very dedicated fan, I listen to him all the time, watch him on tv, follow him on facebook and twitter (I'm still waiting for the day he might realize I'm worth a follow too....I'm not evil Mr Murs!). This handsome, talented man opened up about his own flaws and depression including his own heartache, some of which I can relate to. He taught me to just be myself, accept myself and love myself complete with everything I dislike, and his music is the deep heart and soul that shines light where there is dark. I've started encouraging myself to face my PTSD and go to his upcoming concert, of which I previously said no to because I was worried about my PTSD, but also felt like I should be at home doing the dishes, because that is literally what I have been taught, and that couples only go out together, or spend lots of time apart and don't talk, because much of the time though I'm involved, my life is like that. This is where realization kicked in. I can either carry on being conditioned, not speaking out or doing my own thing, have no life in the way I have, or I can face my fears, reach out to myself and have a life, even if I am doing it alone.
When these thoughts kick in, and in PTSD attacks you hear yourself being punished (Usually words like 'you do that and I'll...', 'Shut up,' 'You're delusional,' 'You're mentally ill,' and these often happen to me whenever I speak my mind or be honest. I am an honest person, I don't like liars or lying, to not be honest makes me feel bad, but being honest gets me into so much trouble at times too. I often feel like a child who has been sent to her room, and I am 42 years old. I'm starting to change that now because I've realized that actually, a relationship should not be conditional, and when you love someone you accept them as one, you don't let them treat you bad, but you can talk about it without being brutal. I do love my partner, but I'm not 100% happy because of the reasons above, but we have been together a very long time, and there was a time when it was good, so I'm trying to figure out what went wrong, but that is the point 'What went wrong?' I'm sure that violence and emotional abuse are wrong no matter what happens, but at the moment I'm confused and figuring it out, so maybe starting to look at myself first is the right thing to do, and that may take me where I should be.
I said earlier I want to go back to singing. There are awkward moments with this, usually, the high anxiety and PTSD puts me off, or depression becomes so bad, I lose confidence. However I recently got in touch with a tutor who seems to understand and when she has dates, she will get back to me, although my ideal would be 'Olly Murs.' (I know I'm hooked, I'll enjoy my moment though!) but that seems impossible! One day maybe mmmm!
Last night I was up all night again. This is bad, I either sleep and wakeup to nightmares, or don't sleep at all. I am on peroxatine but sleepwise it isn't good, so I have decided to talk with my doctor again. I have been like this for years now, but as part of my life changes something has to be done, and the issue surrounding therapy seriously needs talking about because I can't get hold of them at all to do it. They say they will call back, but its more like a cat and mouse chase, making me feel like an experiment with cheese.
Today, my plan is to do a little studying and try to catch up, I will talk about that in my next entry, maybe a little cleaning but not over the top because I have to learn to say no to being as 'perfect as everyone wants me to be' and that is not being myself and is time consuming, taking over too many other things, and no matter what, I should be able to ask for a little help with the things I need it with. Meditation is on the list and a short walk. I will leave my brief jouranal there, and write another tommorrow talking about how I get on.