Scream Above the Sounds
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2019-01-11 04:54:14 (UTC)

Drunk, Loved & Sad

Today has been such a crazy day. I woke up at 2pm and my friend messaged me on discord and told me he had a CD-key for me regarding Final Fantasy XIV. I was in a really sleepy state so I didn't fully understand what he meant. When I finally woke up and came to my senses, it turned out he had bought me something from the game and I had to use the code to redeem the gift. He had heard me mention that I really wanted the Final Fantasy 7 bike that they recently released as an in game mount. He bought it for me didn't he? £20! I was annoyed but so happy at the same time, I couldn't believe he did that for me. We've been friends barely a month, he's a great guy but I can't believe he did it. It made me feel really happy. Taya was upset that she couldn't buy the bike for me, I would have melted if she did that for me. I really care about her and I feel my feelings for her are getting a bit out of control and I don't really know what to do. I've thought about distancing myself from her because she has a boyfriend and at the end of the day, it's not good for either of us. At the same time, If I do that....it'll break her, and I can't afford to do that. I love and respect her too much. I guess I just need to try and control myself and the way I feel and just, let it be.

20 minutes later, my mum called me to come downstairs and she gave me a Nintendo Switch. She wanted to give it to me early because for my actual birthday on Tuesday, I'm in college all day and then we are going for a meal in the night. I hugged both her and my dad which felt a little odd but at the same time, nice? it's hard to describe. I'm not very affectionate with my parents, I think a lack of love and affection at a young age has caused this. It's difficult. I couldn't tell you the last time I hugged my dad, honestly. I was probably about 10. It was very awkward but it was nice. We're going to go for some food on Tuesday, my sister is coming too. I don't think it's going to be anywhere extravagant, knowing me it will probably be KFC or five guys, I like to keep it classy you know? Just kidding.

I went out for drinks tonight, I'm pretty wasted as I type this. I just felt there was stuff I needed to get out now while it's fresh in my mind. I drunk SO many shots tonight, I was definitely in double figures. If not for performing poorly in Mario Kart (Which is shameful by my standards, I'm usually solid!) then it was for punishments in drinking games. My head is spinning. There was a good group of people there tonight. I was a bit sad that some couldn't make it but it's to be expected I guess, people have lives! It was nothing late, I say that...it's 4am as I type this but I think most people went home about 1-2am. I stayed with my two friends who are a couple. We had a good laugh and we played some quiz games together. We love quizzing, we attend my dads quiz every now and again. We aren't great but we're pretty chuffed when we do get things right! We did a bit of gossiping, naturally, and then we just talked shit until we decided it was time to call it a night.

I felt a bad sad around them, I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm scared and hate being alone. After having somebody that doted on me for almost 9 years and to have nothing now for almost a year, it's very scary for me. I feel like if I don't talk to people sometimes....I might not have any social interaction all day and that depresses me like no end. I guess by the end of tonight, when I saw my two friends cuddling on the sofa and talking about getting ready for bed and stuff, I'm just scared that I may never have that in my life again. I've got feelings for two people, both are very close friends to me. One would never ever be interested and the other is crushing on me extremely hard but has a boyfriend and lives in another country anyway, so basically I'm fucked. I feel like I've fallen in love with the latter too. I find myself sending her ridiculously cute messages and I know I would do anything for her. It's just a very tricky situation and I honestly don't know how I'll get myself out of it.

I need to end this on a somewhat happy note because today, I have really felt loved. I know I mentioned that sometimes I feel like people won't talk to me but today, I really do feel validated and like people have made an effort with me. My heart has ached a lot today, in a good way. I guess I'm just scared that this feeling I have right now is going to be gone by tomorrow and then I'll be back to the broken shell of a man I've always been and find myself beginning for happiness. What happiness is, I still don't know. Is it a partner? A career? I really don't know..and that scares me.