Understanding your heart ache
I recall not too long ago, I was having a hard time even making coffee in the morning after my breakup. That was because when I used to sleep over at my ex gf's house, I'd usually grind the coffee grounds, filter the water and make the coffee. I'm learning more now about the ache of a memory. Understanding the what and why of it so that I can better improve myself as a person.
One this that helped is time and effort. Now that I'm always at my place and making coffee here, it doesn't feel sad anymore. Like I said, time and effort. But there is one thing that I've learned from the many vids on youtube. You memories that pop up. You have visions of the past just like a rerun of a movie. It's all stored in your brain like files in a computer. However, along with those "files", there is also emotions attached to those files. That is why when you consciously or unconsciously bring up a memory, you are also hit with the attached emotion. I think it's like when you smell something very distinct from the past, you sometimes get the emotion part of it too.
This is pretty deep thinking for me and it's sort of like guru type thinking (which I'm not at all). However, I just need to be aware that when those memories pop up, I just need to know that I am in the present safe and sound sitting on my sofa, bed, dining room table, in my car or whatever. I need to understand that that feeling I am getting hit with is no longer really there. I am safe in the NOW., the present and that this can't hurt me anymore. It's like having a nightmare and waking up. I am awake now and this memory with the attached emotion is not going to harm me. It can't harm me.
So with this understanding of how the human mind works, perhaps I'll be able to step up and be that better person. Not just to get over my ex gf, but to apply this newfound way of thinking and apply it for life. So I still do get hit with some stuff sometimes like last night. My friend asked me to go to dinner with her and her kiddo.
We had a discussion about housing. She has a home and she has a friend she helped because he was ill and he had two kiddos of his own. Nothing between them and we've all been friends for years now. He first asked me if I could house him. I said no because he was a financial liability and at the time, I didn't have a girlfriend and I thought it'd be harder to find someone to be with when there is another guy in my home with two kids. Who would want to possibly live with me with that kind of an arrangement?
Anyway, my lady friend did let him move in her place with his two kids. She is now really hurting financially because she too is a single Mom. He can't pay her much because he is sick and can't really work. Last night, she was taking about asking him to leave because she wants someone share expenses at her home so she could have a better life.
Anyway, that's when it hit me. This was something my ex gf and I discussed. It hurt a little because it brought me back to my breakup. Some regret in me too because between her 88K a year salary and my 108K, we could've enjoyed so many cool vacations together. Our way of life sharing expenses in one home would have greatly improved. A little anxious too since now that dream is dead, will I ever find that in the future?
That's when I applied this new way of thinking. I told myself that this is just emotions from the past. It's gone now. I'm having dinner with friends. I'm in no real danger so I shouldn't be feeling any anxiety. I shouldn't have any regrets because I was doing what I thought was the best at the time. The past can't hurt me and this feeling is just a memory with emotions attached to it.
So with that frame of mind, I felt much better. I understand now and I like what I'm learning. I can smile. BTW, smiling even when you don't feel like it helps. When you smile, the muscles that makes that smile triggers something in your brain that you are having a good time and your brain sends out feelings of feeling good. You peeps should try it. It does actually work :)
Anyhow, lol. My lady friend at dinner last night brought up the fact of renting out her place and asked me if I was interested. I told her I needed garage space too since I'm buying a new Tacoma soon. And that I don't want her bugging me for stuff and I want my own freedom and privacy. No asking me for favors just because I'm a guy. No fixing this or that or whatever. I'll keep things clean and I clean as I go and more. I'll not be a pig and help maintain common areas. So we shall see.
I'm just happy that no matter what happened, I am noticing improvements within myself. This was not known and for sure would not have happened if I was still with my ex. So there is good and bad in this but I have to admit, it came out to be better I broke up as now I can say I see better and hopefully I'm a better person. This is not for my ex. This is for me and my own personal journey in life :)