Scream Above the Sounds
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2019-01-09 04:59:53 (UTC)

My Calling

We all wonder; what are we going to do with our lives? Maybe some of us have the plan and the foundations are built at a very young age, there are some people who just know. Whether it be nursing or wanting to become a footballer or an actor or a doctor, some people just feel it. I never knew what I wanted to do, never ever. When I was a small boy, I always wanted to work for Nintendo. My parents would always buy me magazines, I still have some in my house that are dated '1995-1996'. I'm not a hoarder by any stretch but I do feel quite reluctant to part with them. I never knew what I wanted to do for Nintendo but I just knew I was passionate about them and they made me happy. Video games have always been a huge passion of mine and no doubt, they always will be.

As I entered high school, depression struck and my confidence plummeted, I had to try and rebuild myself. My form tutor was the head of drama at my high school and he was very much a father figure for me. I turned to drama and acting. I never really did it in primary school but I really did love it in high school. The idea of living in a book, a fairy tale, just BEING somebody else, that was pure bliss for me. The idea of forgetting about myself and my life and becoming somebody else, even if it was just for 15 minutes, I became addicted to it. I was really unhappy with my life, so to be able to forget about everything...I took solace in that. I walked out of high school with an A* in Drama & Music, I didn't do great in everything else, hence why I'm back at college now. I attended an acting workshop that was local to me for about three terms. I did some 'extra' work, I've worked in Casualty, Doctor Who and I also auditioned for Star Wars:The Force Awakens. Somewhere along the way I got really demotivated, I found acting to be an impossible dream. It felt more about who you know, rather than your ability. I never really had anything to fall back on, it was silly of me to think everything would work out.

I still love drama and music, you will find me on karaoke all the time. I kinda tricked myself into believing that acting and performing was my calling, when in reality I don't think it was. I think I just wanted to be somebody. I wanted friends, I wanted success. I never wanted fame, I just wanted to do something that made me happy. People who don't know me very well will still ask me how the acting is going and I'll just say "I haven't done that in a long time" or "I don't really do that anymore". It's sad but I think it was just time to move on, it was a pipe dream. Dreams are good but I have to be realistic, I'm 28 on Tuesday. I can't keep living in a fantasy and a dream world. Get busy living or get busy dying.

I started writing for a website called TWM.news in June 2017, they cover pro wrestling. I've been a fan of wrestling since 97-98 and I'm not really sure what sparked my interest. Well, I remember my first article; they followed me on Twitter and I asked them if they used opinion pieces, they said yes and asked me to send something. I wrote about something quite controversial and something that was pretty upsetting to most WWE fans. They crowned a new champion purely because of his Indian heritage, because they were due to tour India. Having this person as champion would increase a lot of sales in merchandise and spark a lot of interest in the company. The reason people detested it so much was because the guy is an average, or less than average wrestler. He has no talent, he has no charisma, he is literally the ultimate jobber. Anyway, that's what I wrote about. They liked it and they asked me to join their team and start writing for them regularly. I consistently wrote for them every month for about a year.

In April 2018 I started my diary here, writing had become a part of my life. I think I've always been well spoken but the idea of writing had never really appealed until then. I've made some friends on this website and I couldn't tell you how many times somebody has told me that I should consider writing a book. My problem with that is, I don't know if I have what it takes. This diary is different, it's real life. I'm recounting my experiences, none of this is made up. I could never do something like Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter or Game of Thrones. I do get a lot of comfort from writing and I plan to keep this diary up for as long as I can. I thought journalism is what I wanted to do but people are encouraging me to pursue creative writing and not waste what I have. I had an e-mail from one of my teachers yesterday in regards to my creative writing piece. He isn't my English teacher but he is an English teacher at the school. He's very knowledgeable, welcoming and has a strong aura. I wish he was my English teacher, he's very insightful. I was very curious as to what he thought. His email says :-

Hi Edd,

No worries. We worked a little more on presentations today so make sure you come ready next week, just in case.

I read through your autobiographical piece last night. The notes you have already been given are great. You have a very matter of fact tone which gives an honest narrative – something that is sorely lost in autobiographical writing sometimes.

I agree with the notes, that as the piece stands it is great. It’s not 100% necessary to change anything. Imagine you are playing Jenga. Every block you poke out could be affecting the integrity of the tower. Though, at some stage, the tower reaches a height that inspires you to push on. The trick is not to let the tower fall. Editing is a never-ending struggle to let go and leave the towering blocks be.

Putting an end to that image, I think the long quote from Rocky is integral, but feel it could be shortened with the same effect. You use listing of metaphors very well throughout, but the balance is leaning slightly towards too much. Think about the rule of three: three ways to describe yourself, three metaphors to describe a situation. The magic number of three brings comfort to the reader.

Your end note resonates, and that is very difficult to do, so you should be proud of that. Be proud of the whole piece. Writing is definitely your calling.



'Writing is definitely your calling'. Reading that made me feel so happy and I do feel like writing is really where I belong. I find myself as a poor mans Hank Moody (If you've watched Californication, I salute you). I'm just not as charismatic and don't fuck anything that walks. I'm open to change though! I'm just kidding.

Anyway, this is all I've got for this morning. I'm adamant that I will continue to write but in what capacity, I'm unsure. I need to do a lot of soul searching and figure out who I am and where this road is going to take me.