Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-01-09 18:03:17 (UTC)

finding the right way.

Last night I watched Shawshank redemption again for probably the 5th time in a year. But It's really been awhile, and every time it reminds me just how much I want to be like Andy Dufresne. Last night it really hit me what it is that motivates me to be like him, and I imagine now that it must be his undying faith in his values. It's never said that he believes in god, but his secretly amazing actions are so like bob goff that I couldn't help but make the connection this time.

I wonder, now that I am more like red. I believe there is an outside world, but I don't know it's possible for a limited person like me. I don't have my foundations set in the right values enough to not be swayed by the breeze.
I want to start doing alittle more bible study. Not because I believe in god, or to flaunt my christianity, although when I start putting real work into a thing it's almost inevitably what it do. But I want to work on my character.

And watching Shawshank, I get so mixed up by how that reality exists in contrast to the things I've been taught about dreams today. There, it's true more that humble, hard work leads to amazing outcomes, but today, it's more like 'seize your own destiny' and that should you work hard enough you can be completely responsible for whoever you want to be.

But maybe it's just not that true. I don't like everything about the scenario I'm living in, and I'd like to change, but I know that to do that it would be abandoning me. I like how Andy believes he killed his wife not through his actions, but through his lack of proclivity to being verbal in his feelings. I know that that's a lot like me, and I like thinking despite my weaknesses, I can still work on the things that matter, which are grounded in hope and actions based in undying positivity, which may take time to play out.

I know I don't know how to think properly, and finding the patience just to sit through that movie terrifies me, but I know that I can also get to a place where my patience is my strongest attribute too.

maybe I'm just speaking out my butt again. I have things, calls to make today. Should I get those done I can finally put my money where my mouth is, and not sink into the hole of fear and negativity. Maybe I can learn something for once. jeez




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