Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-01-08 19:25:50 (UTC)

Patience

I feel right right now. I've been watching some vocal coach things online, just because I really like this honest, talented teacher, and it's reminding me that it's okay to be brutally honest with yourself. So long as we remember there's no substitute for patience.

See, the thing I've been going through with me, I've lost my patience with myself. I reached my limits of self-loving just as I needed to most, because I had to make a big decision (couple of decisions really) in the name of self love that were hard for me, and choosing to move on with those things that were right and honest but felt wrong was hard for me to understand.

But maybe I haven't been understanding patience really all along. I lost hope in the possibility of achieving the highest, most consciously clear sense of me which has led to me growing blunt to the most acute of my feelings. I have trouble recognizing what's an instinct and what's a raw nerve, and I want to get back to experiencing these things. Sometimes I can just look in my eyes in the mirror and all the Bs'ing goes away and it all makes sense.

and when that happens I know that patience is there within everything. And that in order to achieve the highest high, there's no substitute for building foundations over the lowest lows. I know that I don't have to experience every negative feeling, I just have to be able to stand strong in my reasoning for not paying attention to it, and it has to withstand the test of time and resistance. I have to stand strong in what's right for me because if I push too fast there's no way in not seeing the pulls from other directions putting me in a place I don't really want to be.

because the patience, it's leading me toward a vision of me. And that's not silly, if I want to lead a thought out life, then that vision is the whole thing. It's the pinnacle of living intentionally. Not just 'chasing a dream' it's living the life you want to lead. It's in patience with life and yourself. And that's what love looks like to me.

I talked alittle earlier about trust. That's what lead me to this lauding over patience for me. I think that in order to have a chance at trust you have to first establish a patience for yourself, then consistency, and that consistency, the stability of it, is what creates trust. From there on I know I can do anything I have dreamt up along the way.

I'm still unsure of how to make peace with these past things, these ideals of who I should or could be that haunt me, except that I feel I just haven't yet given myself or found the strength and environment to grow those attributes- their demands were thrust upon me too early. So with patience today, I find empathy for who I am not, and that empathy is what can grow the love in who I need (and want) to be.

Staying at home doing nothing has never felt so nice.
although shrugging responsibility, not so much, I'll get to that by living well soon.




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