Scream Above the Sounds
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Feeling Empty and 100 Questions
It didn't take long, did it?
I don't know what has happened to me tonight, I've been doing so good lately. Now I find myself falling back into familiar patterns and just horrible, negative behaviour. I feel really empty and alone and I have no idea why. I was really motivated and excited, I was doing GREAT. I really thought I was going to be able to kick on and really push myself and now I'm feeling demotivated, tired, sad. I wanted to cry earlier, for no reason whatsoever. I just felt like I needed to breakdown and cry.
It's almost 5am, I'm wide awake and I don't know. I feel about as miserable as I did a year ago with zero explanation as to why. I found myself doing shit that I used to do, like sitting on Omegle and talking absolute nonsense to strangers, just so I felt less alone. Usually Taya would be online so we would be talking on discord or playing Final Fantasy or something like that, but her body clock is back to normal now so our time schedule is a bit scattered. Nobody else is going to be online at this time, it's just been a real long, sad, lonely night. I logged into Final Fantasy earlier, just to try and take my mind off of things. Somebody was in one of the towns as a bard and was playing all kinds of music, I asked if she could play music from The Legend of Zelda and she did. I was really impressed, it was cute. She added me on friends afterwards.
I hope after I've had a good nights sleep I'll wake up refreshed and this will be nothing more than just a stupid depressive episode. I have no reason to be sad. There are some things that I need to get off my chest but even by doing so, it isn't going to make a difference or fix things. Today has been a really shit day, I've done nothing. I've had little to no interaction with anybody and I haven't even left my bedroom. I just feel miserable. I had a text on my phone when I woke up this morning and it was from 'Park Vets', regarding Raine (my ex girlfriends cat). He was scheduled for an appointment today and I guess I'm still in the contact details. I felt pretty sad reading that, I hope he's okay. I hope both he kittens and even her are doing well. She's been in my head quite a bit lately, not in a tormenting way...just, people bringing her up in conversation. My best friends wife accidentally called one of my friends by her name the other day, it was just awkward. I don't mind hearing her name or even talking about her. I guess it just sucks all the same.
I know that I'm 'over' her but that doesn't mean I can just forget about everything, it was almost 9 years. It's a long time. I talk about dating with some people every now and again. It's usually them who bring it up. I feel scared, absolutely. I feel too awkward for a relationship, I'm a very selfish person, or at least I used to be. I would like to think I could be better next time around, if it ever happens. It's extremely unlikely though. My heart hurts, I know that much. Whether it's because It's felt empty for so long or because I'm longing for somebody I can't have, I don't know; all I know is, it hurts.
I'm going for another 5k run today I think, I hope. I hope I feel motivated enough to go. I have to be better than this, I promised myself I would. I should be doing that and then back in the gym and then I'm back in college on Tuesday. As for right now, I think I just need to bury my head in my pillows and duvet and forget about tonight. I really loathe myself sometimes.
I'm determined not to leave this on a completely negative note so I'm going to answer these questions I've seen on somebody's Facebook feed. Maybe this will lighten the mood, who knows?
1. What is one thing that brings a smile to your face, no matter the time of day?
Going downstairs and seeing the fridge has been completely stocked up is always a good one. It sounds stupid though, I would say either that or Taya. She's good at making me smile.
2. What’s is one thing that you’re proud of?
I was really proud to be best man for my best friend, I'll never ever forget that day. Definitely my proudest moment.
3. What makes you laugh?
I'm pretty easily amused.
4. When you’re feeling super lazy, what’s your guilty-pleasure Netflix show?
Probably nothing too embarrassing. I tend to watch stuff like The Office, Little Britain, Peep Show, Come Fly With Me. Typical British stuff.
5. What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done?
Best man's speech is probably up there. I can still remember standing in front of so many people, shaking with my pieces of paper. It was mortifying.
6. What is one memory you have from childhood?
Me and my sister spending countless hours playing on the Nintendo 64 together at my grandmothers house.
7. What’s the best thing about your life right now?
My parents, they do so much for me. I really appreciate them. Aside from that, being back at college and staying motivated and trying to get fit.
8. What is one thing that you’re thankful for?
Again, my parents. The friends that I do have.
9. What’s one thing that you fear?
Dying alone probably.
10. If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Scrubs, no contest.
11. Can you tell me one thing, big or small, that you’ve never told anyone else?
I honestly don't have any secrets like that. Somebody will always know something about me.
12. If you were forced to leave your home and move to a country you’ve never been before, what are three things that you’d take with you?
It depends how big/small we're talking. I would take my computer, obviously, GEEK ALERT! Probably sentimental things after that.
13. What’s a favourite memory with a pet/animal?
I miss my kittens sleeping with me back at the flat. I know it doesn't sound like a lot but I had never had pets of my own before and they really loved me and felt safe with me. Jaina used to lie on my chest and Raine used to sleep at the bottom of the bed in between my legs. I really do miss them.
14. Who are you closest to in your family?
Literally nobody. I feel like a complete stranger in this family, don't get me wrong. I am SO thankful for my family but we really don't connect. For arguments sake, I would probably say my mum, although me and my dad have more in common.
15. What’s your family like?
16. What’s your favourite flavor of ice cream?
17. What’s your favourite joke?
Why did the scarecrow receive an award? He was outstanding in his field, ha.
18. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?
I honestly don't know where to begin.
19. If you could rewrite your past, what’s one thing you’d change?
I would have been less selfish, less impulsive and a better person.
20. What do you think your best physical feature is?
I don't really like anything about myself. Everybody talks about my ass though, I've had the nickname Kim K for as long as I can remember. People also tell me I have nice eyes. My voice is the real winner though, so I'm told.
21. What’s one thing about yourself, personality-wise, that you like?
I have a good sense of humour.
22. When you’re feeling down, who or what is your biggest go-to person or activity?
Video games are my biggest comfort. If I had to turn to people, I would go to Taya or Aaron most likely. I'm not very good at opening up, hence the diary.
23. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Probably KFC, I'm such a fatty.
24. What’s one thing you’re super passionate about?
Football, Pro Wrestling, Video Games, Mental Health, Battling Depression
25. If you had to lose one of your five senses, which would you give up and why?
I would give up taste because maybe then I'd actually be able to enjoy some food.
26. What’s the hardest thing, physically, you’ve ever done?
Leaving mine and my ex's apartment for the last time.
27. What’s the hardest thing, mentally, you’ve ever done or been through?
The breakup, convincing myself that it was for the best and I'm not the piece of shit everybody says I am. Wrestling with the demons inside my head and surviving.
28. What’s the best part about your job?
I currently don't have one but the best part about my last one was: no customers, the people, the banter and the fact we were allowed to listen to music all night. I miss that place sometimes.
29. What’s one thing that defines who you are?
I don't know how to answer this. I would say I'm loyal and trustworthy but if you wrong me, you're done.
30. If tomorrow was your last day on earth, what would you do in your last 24 hours?
I'm honestly not sure. I would probably go off the rails and do crazy shit like rob a store, steal a car, something like that.
31. What do you believe in, generally or faith-wise?
Not a great deal, I believe in love. I don't believe in ghosts, karma or God or anything like that though.
32. If you had to describe yourself in three words, what would they be?
Funny, depressing, disappointing
33. Where’s the coolest place you’ve ever been/travelled to?
34. What’s one thing people would never know about you just by looking at you?
I really like sports/video games. It's a coin flip, I don't think you would ever fancy me to be interested in both. Either one or the other. That, and I don't mind listening to George Michael. That's probably a better answer.
35. What’s one thing about the opposite sex that you’re attracted to?
Eyes, smile, humour
36. What are three qualities you look for in a potential date?
As long as you can hold a conversation and we can have a laugh, that's all I would ever ask for.
37. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for a girl?
I wrote a letter, sub-sections and bullet points about why I thought she was amazing
38. How would others describe you?
It would honestly depend who you asked. If they were my 'friends', I would like to think; Funny, helpful, a good friend.
39. What’s your all-time favourite memory?
I don't know. My best friends wedding day is a really good day.
40. What are your parents/step-parents/guardians/people who raised you like?
My grandmother raised me and my sister and she is the sweetest woman on this earth. I love her so much, I wish I saw more of her.
41. What’s your go-to alcoholic drink?
42. What would be your ideal first date?
I'm not sure, I've never really dated. Somewhere fun, I feel something like crazy golf is too generic though.
43. If you could have three wishes, what would they be?
To be rid of depression, to be successful and ultimately have a happy and healthy family.
44. If you could a full 24 hours without any work or obligations, a day to just do whatever you wanted, what would you do?
That's pretty much been my life for the past 3 weeks and I've just been getting drunk and playing Final Fantasy XIV, what a life.
45. What is the best compliment you’ve ever received?
I've been told I'm handsome, trustworthy, caring.
46. What is something you’re talented at?
I'm pretty good at video games, I grasp them fairly quickly. I'm also not a bad singer and pretty good at acting.
47. What’s your favourite college memory?
Getting an A* in my Creative Writing
48. What is your best friend like?
I have a few. It's too difficult to describe them, I would have to list 3-4. They are all amazing people.
49. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
50. What’s one thing you want to do before you die?
I've never had a bucket list or anything. I would like to go to a WrestleMania though.
51. If someone gave you a million dollars right now, what would you spend it on?
I would give most of it to my parents. I owe them everything.
52. Have you ever made a decision that changed your entire life? If so, what was it?
I chose the wrong person.
53. What’s your favourite thing to do on the weekends?
Watch football/UFC/boxing/play video games
54. What’s your zodiac sign? And do you think it describes you?
Capricorn, I don't really believe in it. I don't know much about it.
55. What’s your biggest regret?
See question 52
56. What can always put you in a good mood?
Taya, Aaron, video games. Music is a big one too, it's amazing how much music can change somebody's mood.
57. What’s your guilty pleasure snack, drink, or junk food?
I'm not sure. I don't know why something like this would be described as a guilty pleasure, I eat a lot of crap.
58. If you were forced to eat fast food for your every meal, what would be your top two places?
Probably KFC and Burger King
59. What’s one thing you wish you could change about yourself?
Rid myself of depression,. Aside from that, change my appearance.
60. If you had the option to hit restart and begin life all over again, would you?
Nah, I feel like I deserve this. I'm not worthy of a do-over, the only thing I can do is be better.
61. Have you ever lost someone close to you? What were they like?
I've lost a few. One of them died when we were 19, he was a great guy, very bright. I miss him so much. The other was my ex girlfriend, an amazing selfless girl who would do anything for anybody. The 3rd is called Steve, very funny guy, very smart, very caring, didn't take any shit from anybody.
62. What’s your favourite social media profile?
I use Facebook the most
63. What’s one thing that totally relaxes you when you’re stressed?
64. What’s a random hobby you’ve always wanted to try but never have?
I always wanted to get into boxing but lacked the fitness and I'd get knocked the fuck out, haha.
65. When was the last time you cried, and why did you?
66. What scares you the most about the future?
Losing people, winding up alone.
67. Do you want to have children someday?
Yeah, I'd like a boy and a girl.
68. What do you imagine your future family will be like?
The thought scares me too much to contemplate. Happy, I would wish.
69. Have you ever done or accomplished something you never thought you could? What was it?
I ran 5k the other day, I never thought I would be able to do that. I never thought I would go back to college either.
70. What’s one thing you could never live without?
A decent internet connection, ha.
71. Who is one person you could never live without?
I couldn't possibly name just one.
72. What’s your favourite vacation place?
I've been to Spain twice but I fell in love with Hong Kong.
73. Would you rather go out or stay in on a Saturday night?
Stay in, I'm too old for that now!
74. What’s your favourite quote, line of poetry, or sentence?
"Get busy living or get busy dying", it's from Shawshank Redemption.
75. What’s your favourite family memory?
I don't really have any. I would have to say Hong Kong, it's the only real memory I have of all four of us.
76. What’s one thing that helps you decide you can trust someone?
77. Have you been in love before?
78. How would you explain what ‘love’ is?
You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.
79. Have you ever gotten your heart broken?
80. What’s one thing you’ve learned about yourself from a past relationship?
I was stupid, weak and naive.
81. What’s your biggest pet peeve?
Slamming doors drives me crazy if that counts?
82. What’s one thing that’s a total turn off?
People who are too loud
83. What’s one thing that’s a total turn on?
84. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done for a girl?
Nothing too crazy, I wrote a lot of lists and paragraphs for her though listing key features and why she is such an amazing person.
85. What’s your go-to drink/food/activity when you’re sick and in bed?
Dominos Pizza, I would fight through that sickness for pizza, all day.
86. What’s the scariest thing that ever happened to you as a kid?
I can remember being locked in a room when I was really young, that was pretty terrifying
87. Who in your family, immediate or extended, are you the most similar to?
Probably my dad.
88. Where do you see yourself in five years?
I honestly don't know. Hopefully University, fitter and happier.
89. What’s your favourite song or artist?
Could never pick just one: Linkin Park, Death Cab for Cutie, Brand New, Stereophonics, Coldplay are probably my top 5. Craig David deserves a mention too.
90. What would be your dream job?
Reviewing video games/writing or booking wrestling matches or becoming an actor.
91. If you were writing a book about your life, what would the title be?
92. What’s your favourite word?
93. What keeps you up at night?
94. What’s your go-to phrase?
"Behave yourself", "Don't sass me"
95. What’s one silly, little-kid item that you still have somewhere hidden in your room?
I have a little car from when I used to play at my grandmothers, I keep it on a shelf.
96. Who is someone that’s impacted your life or helped you become who you are?
I think I would credit Louise a lot for last year. She encouraged me to get back to education, she wrote the list for me. She is encouraging me to run, she's been great. As for generally, I would say my parents and grandmother, they raised me right.
97. What’s one thing you want to achieve before you die?
98. What’s your favourite book?
Probably a Game of Thrones/Harry Potter book, I'm more of an autobiography man these days.
99. What’s one thing, silly or serious, that you’re guilty of?
Being a Justin Bieber fan
100. What makes you blissfully, completely, smile-from-ear-to-ear happy?
Knowing people care about me.