Experienced Life
2019-01-05 13:06:19 (UTC)

My Afterthoughts

I have a few things in my head I want to sort out. I won't sugarcoat it because I always speak my mind before I ever have the chance to think about it.

Last night, I got rear ended. Wasn't too bad but I was dizzy last night and wanted to throw up. This morning, I felt better. Didn't want to throw up but still dizzy. Don't know if that was from the alcohol after I got home but I will see how I feel throughout the weekend. Anyway, something lit up my ass and I couldn't shake it. I had a thought that my ego put up. What if? What if I got into a really bad accident and get taken to the hospital? What would transpire then? All that came to mind is that I'd be alone in there. No one special to come see me or sit next to my bed. No one, nada. It's a very sinking feeling. That made me sad. It made me feel so alone in this world.

Then my ex gf posted on facebook. She has two kids. One is a 23 yr old girl/woman and the other a 9 yr old boy. Big disparity in age and they have separate fathers. I'm not trying to make the ex gf sound bad. This is life and that's fine. But anyway, the 23 yr old's Grandpa passed away last night I guess. My ex gf posted it. She also posted that she was glad she visited him last summer and so they were able to spend some quality time with him. But.... this is also the time my ex gf and I had our timeout for a month. This was when she needed to to find herself as she indicated. Anyway, I sent my 2nd message to her in the past 3 months giving my condolences and told her I was glad she got to visit him before his passing. Well, it again brought up some of the past and there I go. Wondering what went wrong again. Wondering why we broke up. Tearing down what I worked so hard to build to have a life again. It brought back the pain of the breakup. It again reminded me of being alone.

Then, I later found out that my ex wife texted me. Something minor about worrying about me having a job with the U.S. Fed Govt shutting down. Well, I work for the State so my income is fine. But again, it brings me down memory lane. I'm not missing her unlike my ex gf. I know for a fact that my ex wife was a poisoned relationship. She did to me so many things that was unforgivable. Still I forgave her and went on my merry way in life. Yet, her email only reminds me again of a failed relationship and how alone I am again.

Finally, the one that probably confuses me and hurts me the most is my friend "M". She's found a dude. I'm really happy for her and I don't want to take away any of her scraps of happiness she can find. I think it's great for her. Yet, I feel bad too. Sorry, I know that makes me a selfish son of a bitch. I'm going to admit it here since nobody here knows me or knows where I live. I've fallen in love with "M". Yes, as a friend for sure. I can't lie to her. I can't not like her. I trust her and everything you can want in a friend. The thing is, I do love her as a friend but.......... I also fell in love with her as that special someone. I know she don't feel the same way but that's what I feel. I love "M". We live so far away so it's stupid of me to even be falling for her or even saying I love her but I do. And there isn't anything I can do about it. So yeah, how can I feel chippy about that? The person I'm falling in love with doesn't love me the same way and she is so far away even if a miracle of her reciprocating the feeling was to miraculous happen, here is nothing we can do about it.

That's all I got for now. I can't fix this. I've fallen in love with someone that I won't ever get to kiss. I won't ever get to hug. I won't ever get to wake up to in the morning and have morning coffee together. Never going to cuddle on the sofa at night watching a movie.

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