My Memos To The Void
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2019-01-04 17:12:19 (UTC)

Letters to God: 1

Dear God,

You have promises for a better life for me, but all I feel is pain. I want things to get better but so far it feels as if I have only gotten worse. I obeyed you the best I could... and I hate to say I kind of regret it... I know that's my flesh speaking but... the hurt feels so real.
The pain at 2:30 in the morning is overwhelming, I have a hard time sleeping anymore, I've sinned more since I've made that choice than I did before I made that choice.
God, I loved him. I still love him. Please tell me that this is all part of a bigger plan, that this wont be a waste. I am having a hard time seeing in what direction this is going to take me.
God, I have a hard time feeling alive, I have a hard time waking up or being motivated, I am having a hard time trying to move forwards. I want to trust, and move forwards, and feel better, but things just always feel like they're falling apart all the time. Now I'm having a hard time even going to work... but i must... I just want to run away. I want to never look back, but I know that my problems will only follow.
It feels as if everything in this world is against me. It feels so dark, I'm in a place where seeing any light is hard. I've only ever wanted to love and be loved but... Now I find myself displacing that love, in attempts to get it back from the wrong people.

I feel like king David, in his dark moments, feeling forsaken and hopeless, I know I haven't even really gone through that much in comparison but my heart still hangs heavy.
How do I even breathe right now? How come I did this and still can't feel you? I still can't hear you. Where are you? You're supposed to be my comforter, my peace, my counselor, my hope, you're supposed to be there when I have nothing else.
I feel guilty, and angry, and sad, and sick, I want to be better.

I don't know anymore, I know there's a reason for all this... I'm just waiting for it to come through.