marielmia

Mariel is MIA
2018-12-31 12:39:25 (UTC)

When in doubt, reboot.

It was just weird. Not bad, mind you, just not the usual M behavior. So, last night at dinner, we talked. We made the dinner at home, so there was no pressure to finish. We talked for 3 hours. He and i both confessed some very private thoughts and acknowledged each other's needs. We decided we were both in a funk and that we needed to up the intensity, pushing each other. i think that this lower level of medication is letting me be more forceful (or maybe cavalier, iDK) about stuff, but i do so need to feel something more . i want to let the tears flow and let out all those negative feelings that i accumulate, without him. So, we agreed we need to start our time together, however long or short, anew.

We don't have the kind of relationship that others here write about. M isn't my master, i am not his slave. M does have friends who call themselves by those titles and we have interacted, but that is not us. And i mean no offense to those diarists who consider themselves similarly. For us, it's as intimate as my skin and personal as my most private and uncensored self. It's about ritual and order. Demands and pushing me to a primal state, to be at one with all the creatures on Earth, at their most primitive . When he gives me boundaries, i can go all out within them. i can do the same exact things i did with a prior man, who i hesitate to call a lover, but the experience is quite different. With M, our expression of love is always colored with desire for more, or, if i can push myself to his desires, a feeling of release and completion. With Javier, the same doings ended in fear and anxiety, yet i always wanted more. And there was guilt and shame. A humiliation that always appealed to me, which is why he was in my life. The cruelness of it all is that Javier is always with me. Even as i write this. i need M. I do.

And so, we went up to the playroom. M sat me on a small Persian mat. The intentional coldness of the room made me gather my knees to my bony chest to stay warm. He showed me a DVD in his hand. He said while he wanted for us to share it, he wasn't going to put it on because it might have been too intense for me right now. i cannot express how badly at that moment i wanted him and anything he would want of me, so i begged him to trust i could handle it. He stood across the room by the tv and played the video, watching me huddle into myself to stay warm as it played.

It was raw and its content would never be discussed in polite conversation. i don't know if the shivering was caused by the temperature of the room or what i was watching but it brought us both back.

We are rebooted.

Mariel




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