Scream Above the Sounds
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Life Is A Rollercoaster
I've been delving really deep the past few days, bringing back memories and having a serious think about things. Why am I the way I am? Why don't certain people make the effort with me? How has my life come to be this way? There are so many questions. I think the obvious thing to point out is, I don't live in a happy household. I'm beginning to think that this never was a happy household or at least I can't think of any memories that make me believe it once was. The only memory I have of my parents being happy is something I stated before, when me and my sister stayed up late playing Mario Kart and my parents sent us to bed, then about 20 minutes later I found them downstairs playing it and laughing all night. That's the only memory I have of my parents being happy together. I must have been about 7-8 years old then.
I sometimes wonder would I be better or different if I was away from them? They aren't toxic people but their relationship has gone to the point of no return, they definitely shouldn't be together. They may be better now than they were X amount of years ago but it isn't enough, they are existing and they will just stay in this house until the day they die, it's morbid but it's true. I wish they would try and find themselves some happiness. My depression never started with them but their deteriorating relationship would have definitely had a knock-on effect. I never bonded with my father and that does kill me. I'm not bitter about it but it still makes me really fucking sad. I always told my ex that I was scared I would turn out like my dad if I had kids. I fully believe that my dad loves me and my sister but I guess he just doesn't know how to bond and now it's too late. We don't talk much, ever really. He used to take me to work and pick me up and there were so many silent car journeys, he wouldn't even ask me how the shift went or if I was okay. I think that's the main thing as well, nobody ever fucking asks me if I'm okay. I couldn't ever tell you the last time my parents asked me how I was or how things were going; then all of a sudden it's a massive shock when I'm suicidal, I've been bullied at school for x amount of years, my girlfriend of x amount of years leaves me and I'm supposed to just dust myself off and be fine? I'm just not that strong.
My parents don't understand depression, at least my mum doesn't anyway. I don't think she ever truly understood or even understands why I am the way I am. I've mentioned before, When my ex took me to the doctors one time because she couldn't stop crying because I just felt so terrible about life, my mum wanted to come with us and I had to sit in the doctors room and they asked me a lot of questions and I didn't really want to lie about them because it would defy the whole point of being there. I can remember the doctors asking me if I had thoughts of suicide and I said yes and I can just remember watching my mum break down. That was a few years ago though, I honestly think my mum thought it was a phase. I don't want people to see me cry. I was just very closed and shut off, I wasn't playing any video games, I wasn't leaving the house unless it was for work, I was barely getting out of bed. I only think my mum fully understood when my ex started a new relationship and I didn't go into work for 3 weeks, that's when it clicked. I was struggling to sleep because my nightmares were so bad. I've never been through something so bad before, it was genuinely the worst experience I've ever had. I'm not used to feeling THAT fragile. I can usually put on a strong image so people don't see me so weak but I felt like I had no control over that situation and period in my life. I felt I was being forced to feel things and experience things I didn't want to but at the same time I was forcing myself to indulge it, whether it was looking at her social media or just thoughts swirling around my head generally. I couldn't even sleep because she was in my dreams.
I'm doing better now, sometimes. Christmas was tough though, it just didn't feel right. It felt like a normal day, I think the fact no family members came over and we didn't even eat together, it was just really sad. It doesn't feel like we're a family and I don't know, I overthink things and then I find myself spiralling and losing myself again. I want to be better than this but I'm constantly wrestling with these demons in my head and they always win. I'm still standing though and I'm very stubborn, I don't just lie down and quit. I thought I would, I didn't think I would still be here but I am. I guess that's a testament to my sheer willpower.
I'm going to try and end this with a semi-positive note. One of my friends told me a few days ago that she has a little crush on me, that was really sweet to hear. I kinda saw it coming but it was nice for it to be confirmed, I guess it's always nice to know that people think and see good in you. It really made me feel good and dare I say it, happy? I think she's really sweet and I'd say the crush is definitely mutual but she has a boyfriend and it's so much more complicated than that. I'm not going to get into it too much but I still think it's a positive/nice way to end this.
Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions. Maybe I'll listen to Life Is A Rollercoaster, that has good vibes. It has it's ups and downs but it's your choice to scream or enjoy the ride.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GVwZpiiaLo - Life Is A Rollercoaster