A very nice Christmas Eve
So, we were allowed to go home early from work today. Got home, prepped my cheese, crackers, salami, and bottle of wine. Opened the drapes to my back sliding door so I could see the rain coming down and the wind blowing in my backyard. Turned on my new big ass 75" TV and kicked back on my new sofa. I bitch and whine about things but man of man, sometimes I forget about how I have it made.
I touch myself. Not in a perverted way but the muscle ache from working out 6 days in a row and what part of me is hurting. lol. I know this means this is shaping up my body to look better and I'm more than fine with that. It also reminds me that I'm alive. haha.
I'm not an introvert. I love company and I would love the company of a woman kicking back next to me but not tonight. Tonight, I find peace. I didn't start a fire in my fireplace but I did turn on the heater so I'm nice and cozy in my undies. Legs relaxed on the coffee table. Liking how toned they are now from all the freaking reverse lunges, side lunges, frog jumps, jumping sumo squats, and all other kinds of shit I never even heard of till the gym.
Tonight, I am thankful. I also came to a realization on something that made me think long and hard about life. While I do miss the affections and intimacy that my ex gf and I had, I realized something. I do want a woman. I do want her next to me at times like this. I like waking up to a woman and either she or I start the coffee and we'd know how to make it and bring it to our partner while they are still in bed. I like the little things of having someone. But....... while I do miss that, while I do miss that love, I do not necessarily miss it from my ex gf. I still love the idea and fully believe this is still what I want. But... I now realize.... even if the ex gf wanted to come back..... I now know she doesn't qualify to be that woman. I now understand that she was not the one. I want a fighter. She was a quitter.
So while I am still a little heartbroken that she and I didn't make it, I now know that part of my heartache is because I miss the intimacy of someone. That is the heartache. Not necessarily my ex gf that I miss. It's the routine that I miss and no longer have. I know I don't have that today. I honestly don't know when I will find it again. But yeah, I now know it's not in my ex gf that the ache is happening for. It's the situation that I ache for. So ok, I understand that now. I am at peace with this. I do not mind being alone for now. If I'm not the asshole that I know I'm not, I won't be alone for long. And if I am, then so be it. As long as I live my life with my head up high and knowing what I want, I will be ok :)
Merry Christmas all.