Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-12-24 13:15:41 (UTC)

"Not Celebrating Christmas This Year"

The title of this entry is what my mum just said to me, I feel terrible for her. Christmas was always a big thing in our family, especially growing up. Some of my favourite memories from childhood are at Christmas, not only because my parents spoiled me and my sister, but because the family were together. The family used to always come to our house for Christmas because we had the biggest house. It was truly the most wonderful time of the year. I love Christmas generally, but spending it with my cousins was just great. Playing video games, football, building snowmen, we had it all.

Time kills everything sadly, it's undefeated. Things change, people get older. There was a few fall outs in my family, notably my mother and her brother's wife getting into a fight and he was more or less 'exiled' from the family for defending her. The whole situation is just ridiculous, toxic and petty. I loved my uncle more than anything, he was the coolest guy in the family, no doubt. I used to love going to his house on the weekends, he had so many pets, you name it, he had it. He had a horse called Apollo and we would often go and see it. He gave me his playstation, he was great for me. I think I have him on Facebook but I haven't seen him in about 14 years so I don't even know how we would be around each other now. It's ironic how my mother always tells me and my sister to bond and be there for one another, yet she won't even talk to her brother because of some Christmas bullshit X amount of years ago. Everything just makes me so fucking sad, the family has truly fallen apart. I'm not much of a 'family man' but I do love Christmas and I like to surround myself around the ones I love and the people who are important to me, even if the closeness isn't there throughout the year.

Which brings me to the title on this entry; my sister isn't coming here for Christmas this year. This will be the first time ever that she won't be here and my mum isn't handling it well. I was talking to her because I went for my first run with my friend today. My stamina is absolutely abysmal but I managed to run 2 miles so I'm calling that a victory. I asked "who is coming round for Christmas tomorrow?" and she just looked at me blankly and said "Nobody, not even your sister is coming. I'm not celebrating Christmas this year". I genuinely didn't know how to respond besides "Well that sucks...". My sister is apparently going to London to celebrate Christmas with her boyfriend and his parents, which I think is fine to do; just....don't tell your mum you aren't coming to Christmas on Christmas fucking Eve. I find it quite odd that she is spending it with his parents when they haven't even been together for a year but, it isn't my business. They live together too, I guess maybe I just don't understand this. You dedicate and devote so much time to one person, is having a day away from them really too much to ask? I can already see tomorrow being an absolute nightmare, I'm not looking forward to it at all, everything is going to be so miserable and awkward.

My grandmother (who raised me and my sister) is going to my cousins instead, I feel like we should make the effort to go or at least get out of the house. I don't see why somebody's decision to go and spend Christmas elsewhere should ruin it for everybody else. I dunno, I feel quite sad about everything. I'm not close with my sister but I think it's important that she be here. I just miss the days when everybody got on and we were all together. Even when I was a child I loved and appreciated it. When all of the grown ups would gather around the dining room table and play 'trivial pursuit' and I would attempt to join in, even though I was too young to really understand. I miss my grandfather, I can't even imagine what he would be thinking if he saw the atmosphere or how divided the family was these days.

This has really damaged my mood. I feel better than I did yesterday but I feel really deflated. I really wanted to be going to sleep later tonight somewhat content with everything but I've just got a horrible sense of dread. I really hope my mum reacts better tomorrow morning but sadly, I don't see it happening.

I hope everybody has a wonderful Christmas!


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