✯Sincerely, Me✯
☯LivingWithMyself☯
My Grandfather Passed away
He died in the living room Tuesday night, right in front of me, while he was being lifted into a stretcher..
He had been sick with a cough, and congestion... we gave him medicine, they tried to get him to go to the doctor...
I babysat Monday, and Tuesday.
After the baby left, grandma fixed him a Salsbury steak, and I fixed him a glass of coke for dinner.
After he ate, my grandma and I were going to go to Walmart... and then my uncle and his baby came in.
And we caught the dinosaurs in the kitchen, and she told papa to stop bothering her she’s busy. She always teases him like that.
He gave both the kids a hug before they left.
And then after we took my brother to work, I sat down at the table and ate my supper, and I heard the front door open. He stepped outside in the cold, and I told grandma, who was talking on the phone.. and she went and told him to come back in. He complained that he did that because he was really hot.
and then things started happening fast.
He started having trouble breathing, which wasn’t unordinary for him at first, because he’s used oxygen machines, and tanks for a few years now. but it started getting worse. Grandma asked over and over if he would go to the hospital but he declined, promising like he had all day to go to the doctor tomorrow.
And then... it was as though he was trying to go to sleep... but he was jerking, and twitching like he was earlier in the year when he was in the hospital with double pneumonia and a serious UTI.
So honestly... that’s what it was to me. That’s what I thought it was.
His eyes rolled to the back of his head... and he started sweating. And I don’t know what was wrong with me... the seriousness didn’t sink in. My grandma had already called 911. And her daughter who lives behind us.. but I just didn’t realize what I was watching. We called out his name, and it was like he heard us, you could see his iris for a moment. but he would go back
So... the ambulance took longer to reach us than it has in the past.
The men grabbed him, lifted him on the stretcher.
And I remember vividly... once he was on the stretcher, his arm flopped off the side.. loosely.
And as they removed his oxygen tube, my aunt freaked and said he couldn’t breathe without it.
And.. one of the men looked at her... and said: “He’s not breathing at all ma’am.”
And we all three burst into tears in unison.
It was the most unreal experience I’ve ever had. He was dead.
They took to the ambulance... and tried to revive him... and then took him to the hospital. We.. went to ge my brother, and we met everyone there. As soon as we arrived and went into a small private room, three people entered the room.
The doctor asked what happened, and then told it to us straight. He didn’t make it. They worked on him for 45 minutes, but couldn’t bring him back.
It genuinely felt like it was from a movie.. like it didn’t feel like this was my life anymore.
2 days after his birthday, a week before Christmas... like.. this isn’t supposed to happen.
I cried, but held most of it back.
My younger brother left the room.
Everyone in the room cried...
Eventually everyone was lead back to see him. And we stayed silent for what felt like hours. And then after some time.. we all talked and tried to fill up the room with something other than.. him.
It was early in the morning when we left... it felt weird leaving him there, and it felt when we went home to an empty house, and he wasn’t in the chair, and my grandma went to bed alone. And I fell asleep... and the next morning I was woke up by my cousin, who asked me to send pictures to my other cousin. So I got up, went to the bathroom and took a shower.
The morning after was the worst. I cried in the shower.. and after I got out, my cousins were working on the eulogy, and other things for the funeral.. that day I went to get a haircut.. I gave my cousin $20, I plan on giving her $500 more to help cover the costs. Everyone pitched in so grandma didn’t have to.
The last three days felt long, but they also felt like they flew by fast.
The funeral... was better than I thought it would be... but it was hard. Everyone looking at me, everyone asking if I was okay.. not knowing if it was okay to not be okay... acting like I was okay, but worrying it might come across like I didn’t care.
My mom came the first day.. it was awkward, but I got through it. I had an awkward moment talking to my cousin Shannon about her.
I wasn’t the only grandkid. I was one of 9.. and he had 4 kids, 3 still living, and, 7 great grandkids. So I wasn’t alone in that way.. what made my brothers and I stand out, was that we grew up in his house, still lived there, and he helped raise us. So I felt the pressure was high.
I spent the time after my mom left with the kids. All of them were there except 1.
I was so tired I fell asleep at 11, woke up at 2, went back to sleep at 3, and woke up today at 8.
He was buried today.
It rained both days so I carried my umbrella and walked with it to the plot. It was kept short, because of the rain, and we went to the fellowship hall. I ate, and then we came home.
Grandma told me to help R clean off the table even though he did it without having to be asked, and then tried to tell him to come play with the baby instead. Then she told me to find a broom and sweep the entire fellowship hall.. didn’t ask anyone to help me, didn’t ask my brothers..
and as I started my cousin took it away and told me she’d take care of it. And then I heard grandma complaining a bit later that I was supposed to be sweeping, and my cousin told her she told me to stop. Her family would do it. She’s my grandmas niece.
When Papa died, she immediately went to comfort and ask E if he was alight, and went straight to him in the room where the doctor told us pop didn’t make it. She didn’t even ask me or R. She did the same when my dad died.
And honestly.. it’s getting to me. I know it doesn’t seem that big.. but I’ve always been her punching bag. And even though I feel awful for her.. it’s like she’s giving, and accepting support to and from everyone else. I definitely feel like this is going to happen often.
I’m too tired to write more. So I’ll write again later.
Thanks for reading.
Sincerely,
Me
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