Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-12-22 03:40:18 (UTC)

I Fall Apart

The title of this entry is probably one of my favourite Post Malone songs. I really got into him after I broke up with my ex, his latest album is ingrained in my head. I'll always associate those songs with that painful time. I had a really bad dream a few days ago; I was reliving the 'moving out' day. It was awful. I can still remember packing everything, the kittens following me around wondering what was going on, they looked so scared. I can remember crying when I said goodbye to them, it was so bad. The thought of having to go through something like that again scares me a lot. I know I ramble on about people who could potentially be 'love interests' but the reality is, even if they were interested in me..nothing would materialise. I would be so scared, scared that maybe it'll blow up or I'll self destruct and get hurt again. I'll never be ready for anybody again.

I spoke to one of my friends last night, I actually made her cry because I was being so hard on myself. I felt awful for it. I guess I just feel that I deserve to feel this way, I'm not a believer in karma but I do feel like I'm getting what I deserve. She was telling me that I need to love and appreciate myself, I wish I could. She's been really good for me lately, she suffers with depression and she has her own problems but I guess we're good for each other and lift each other. I always ask her how she is, she's a very sensitive soul and I do worry for her. They say broken people can't fix each other but I think we're doing a pretty good job at at least making the other one feel somewhat stable and safe. I'm really grateful for her. I do wish I could change my frame of mind though, I hate being this way.

I want to be happy and I do want to take the right steps to get there, but I can't shake this little feeling, I'll never get anything right. I feel that people just don't understand me. I'm always being told to pull myself together and I wish it was that easy. I feel broken. I mean the sadness has always been there and I guess I always found solace and took refuge in video games. I suppose they also became a villain somewhere along the way though. I wasn't a good person to my ex. I guess I had other 'priorities' and that sounds really bad because you should never put something before the ones you love, especially something as trivial as a video game. I used to play in a competitive semi-pro Counter-Strike team and I also raided on World of Warcraft so that was easily 4 days a week. I shouldn't dwell on it, I should just learn from it and make sure it never happens again. I was just a selfish, ignorant idiot. I'm actually going to do a presentation for English when I go back to college, it's going to be on 'Are video games bad for your health?'. I don't believe there is a right or wrong answer, yes and no.

I just wish stuff made me feel alive. This year has just been such a drag, I have some good memories but the bad outweighs the good. Me and my friend did speak a bit about my ex yesterday, which doesn't bother me. I suppose it does hurt to think about her but I know she's doing well and I'm super happy for her, because she honestly deserves the world. I can understand that my friend had questions though, she's very curious and I know she cares a lot. She's helped me a lot this year, she was even there for me when I broke up with my ex originally and we weren't even close then. I guess I must have made a good impression because I can tell she really gives a shit about me...and not many do anymore, so I really appreciate her. I was playing Final Fantasy XIV before the break up and after I moved back home, I didn't play anything for about two months so I cancelled my sub. I barely got out of bed unless it was for work, I was a wreck. I think back to when I first moved back home, sleeping in the spare room...I used to cry myself to sleep. I used to have such vivid nightmares, I would wake up in the night shaking. I know I've got good mental fortitude because I haven't thrown in the towel yet. I just find myself wishing I could change things.

I had a pretty good day today, I don't know what triggered this entry or why I feel the need to go on and on and on about things I can't change or stop. I'm just so fed up of my life. I need a do over, so bad. I really hope that I manage to land a job in journalism/writing and I'll be living somewhere differently in a few years, I think that's what I need. Don't get me wrong, I love this city, it's all I know. The problem is, there's nothing left here for me anymore. Despite living here all my life, I feel lost. There is absolutely nothing that binds me to this city. You probably think 'Family?' but I'm not even close with them. Admittedly, they do a shit load for me but...there is no emotional bond or attachment, a phone call would probably be better than the awkward conversations we do have, on the rare occasion. Everything is just so shit.