Taylor’s Journal
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2018-12-21 22:08:26 (UTC)

My Pregnancy Journey

My Pregnancy Journey
Please let me start by saying I am not posting this for sympathy, but instead for awareness. There are so many couples going through fertility struggles, yet not many people talk about it. Just know you can talk to me, I am here to listen and share.

This year hasnt been the easiest. I suffered two miscarriages, one in May and one in July. My due date for the first one was today, December 21st.

Giancarlo and I had talked about baby #2 and we agreed that we would like to start trying later in 2018. So when I found out I was pregnant on April 10th, I guess it wasn’t a shock(but it sort of was) Even though it wasn’t “planned”, we were thrilled. I spent the next 4.5 weeks thinking about this baby. Thinking about how old Matteo would be, how he would be as a big brother. What to do about the kids bedrooms in our house, when I would take maternity leave. Basically I had everything all planned out, as I usually do because I am a planner. We told our family when we were in Boston in April. We told many close friends and some of my coworkers. Never even crossed my mind that something could go wrong. My first pregnancy went perfectly, so this one would too right?

I went in for my 8 week ultrasound on May 7th. I had mixed up the times so Giancarlo unfortunately was late. I tried to stall the ultrasound by taking forever in the bathroom. I couldn’t stall anymore. But I thought oh well there will be plenty more ultrasounds, he can miss the first one. He was rushing from work to get there but we had to start. The ultrasound tech took about a minute and she located the sac. Then she had a puzzled look on her face. I said what’s wrong? She responded that she was having trouble finding the baby. She said to hold on and she would look again. My heart started to race. I just knew something was wrong. I flat out asked her if I had a miscarraige. No response. She said I’m not sure what’s happening but I can’t locate the baby. She said to get dressed and wait in the waiting room for the next part of my appt with the nurse practitioner. I went outside and started shaking and crying. Giancarlo came and hugged me and I said we lost the baby. We had to wait for the NP still. I texted a few of my girlfriends and told them what happened. They comforted me but I still just felt like my Life was over.

We got called back and the NP confirmed it. I had a blighted ovum. Sometime between 4-8 weeks, the baby stopped growing and it absorbed into my body. I asked how could this be? I had all the pregnancy symptoms. She said it’s a missed miscarriage. There are no symptoms. Everywhere I had always read if you experience a miscarriage, you will have back pain, bleeding, cramps. I had nothing. Just the normal nausea, food aversions, and mood swings.

The NP asked me if I wanted to let it pass naturally or have a D&C surgery to remove everything. I immediately replied asking for the surgery because I couldn’t bear the thought of continuing to feel pregnant with no baby to welcome at the end. I wanted to return to normal ASAP. We scheduled the procedure for 3 days later on May 10th. I spent the next 72 hours terrified that I would pass the baby on my own. I didn’t want to see any blood or anything. That never happened. I let my bf/coworker know what was happening and she offered to help with anything for work and also she let me bosses know. She was so sweet(as were my bosses)I had to get control over something, so I just started texting everyone I had told I was pregnant so they would know and not ask me anything about my pregnancy. I took the rest of the week off. I’m lucky to have bosses/coworkers who jump to help when these type of situations happen. They did not expect me to be working.

I spent the next 48 hours self caring. I got a facial, mani/pedi, and blowout. I cried. A lot. I cuddled Matteo and cried with him when I would sing songs to him at bedtime. Thursday came and I had the procedure. I felt nothing. No more tears came as I had used them all in the days before. Physically I felt ok until Saturday when I experienced several hours of contractions. Apparently this was normal for some women who have a loss. It was pure hell. And not the physical part, but just knowing after the contractions were done I wouldn’t have a baby to cuddle at the end like I did with Matteo.

I saw my therapist on Friday. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have gotten through this. She had experienced a miscarriage too a long time ago. She offered me words of encouragement. Friends and family sent flowers and cards and sweet texts and emails. It meant a lot to me. Giancarlo held me while I cried and was so supportive. I’m so lucky to have him.

Monday, I went back to work. It was time to get back to normal. I had to travel to DC for work the following week too. I wondered if I would be ok. And I was. It was a good distraction and I needed that. As time went on, I thought Ok, I was just part of the 25% of pregnancies that end in miscarriages. It happened once and I’ll get pregnant again. My doctor even told me it was just a fluke, I bet I will see you back here in 2 months and we will start a new chapter.

Well she was right. Two months later, after being extremely ill for 48 hours, a thought crossed Giancarlo and my mind. Am I pregnant? No I couldn’t be, I had my period last week. I’ll just take a test to rule it out, but I am not pregnant. I took a test the next morning on Tuesday and almost fainted when it said positive. I took another one because I didn’t believe it. Another positive. I was freaking out. I called my doctor and they sent me straight for bloodwork. I went that day, and again on Thursday. I spent 72 hours telling close friends, family, and again planning the next year of our lives out. We were shocked but thrilled again. On Friday, I get a call from my doctors office. The nurse said your results are negative. How could this be? I got a pit in my stomach and thought no this cannot be happening. She asked me to take another test right away. I took another one and it was negative. What does this mean???? I immediately started crying. I had a chemical pregnancy(miscarriage). I technically got pregnant, the egg fertilized but it never implanted on the uterine wall. I called one of my bf’s who is a nurse practitioner/my savior, and she explained the whole thing to me/talked me off a ledge.

I was beyond devastated to say the least. I thought ok now something is wrong with me. The first one was hard but I thought it was a fluke and the next time I get pregnant, it will stick so I have nothing to worry about. I thought about friends who have experienced multiple losses and just felt for them. I decided to take some time to track my cycle, eat as healthy as possible, exercise every day, cut down on caffeine and alcohol, and just try to relax. And wouldn’t you know it, September 20th, I got my first positive test. And I took 1-2 more everyday for about a week. All positive. Went for bloodwork every 48 hours for about two weeks. All signs pointing in the right direction. I was still anxious though. My first ultrasound my heartbeat was about 150, and I was sweating. The ultrasound tech said there is your baby and I don’t think I have ever cried so much. I was so relieved. Every appointment since then has gotten a little easier, but I still have anxiety. I just pray every day that we get to meet our sweet girl in May or June.

Please please don’t think you can get through this alone. If you have suffered a loss/losses, please seek help. Talk to friends and family. See a therapist and/or go to postpartum loss groups for support. Our stories may all be a bit different, but we all share a loss and know the pain too well.

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