Scream Above the Sounds
2018-12-20 15:25:16 (UTC)

Language. Sex. Violence. Other?

Don't get too excited, this is only the name of an album by Stereophonics. I'm sure I've got a lot of shit to ramble on about though, so let's hit this thing!

I'm officially in slob mode, I woke up about 20 minutes ago, 2pm. Oops. I got pretty drunk last night, I went over to a friends house and we played on the VR. We tend to usually play horror games, we tried Five Nights at Freddy's on the VR, don't do it. It's fucking terrifying. I recorded my friend playing it on Snapchat, it's so scary. We played the VR for a while and then decided to do some challenges on Smash Bros Ultimate. We did 'punishments' (shots) if we failed to unlock/beat whatever we were attempting. We then went to his bar and watched the Arsenal/Tottenham game, complete waste of time. I hated every second of it, we played so bad last night. We never looked like we were in that game at all, it was woeful. I didn't get home too late, I got home about 10pm maybe. I really, REALLY need to get the window fixed in this bedroom. It is way too cold to continue like this. I'm sat here in my dressing gown as I write this, I feel about 70! I had some food, I hadn't eaten all day, stupidly. No wonder the booze hit me so hard. I decided to log into Final Fantasy and just chill out for a bit, listen to sad music, you already know the score by now. My friend came online and suggested FIFA so we played a few games of that and then he went to bed. I wasn't totally alone last night though, which was nice. One of the girls that I play Final Fantasy with stayed up quite late, her body clock is usually in a really bad way, and she lives in Dubai so our time difference is a bit meh. We did some of the raids together and then I hit the bed. I usually do most content with her, I wouldn't play the game if it wasn't for her, for sure. She's been a good teacher/mentor for me and has also become a really good friend. She's ridiculously sweet.

Before I went to sleep, my friend messaged me on Facebook and said: "i know this may sound more like a new years resolution commitment, but seeing as you're off college for a while: every weekday I try and go for a run and do a gym session early afternoon, always more motivating with a partner, you fancy it?". I immediately agreed. I've been wanting to do something like this for a while and I think he hit the nail on the head really; I need somebody to do it with. I need that motivation, that encouragement. Looking at myself in the mirror should be encouragement alone to be honest. I think my depression makes me feel a lot worse about myself than I actually look, but it's not the point. I'm not satisfied and I really need change. I would love to be fitter and even attempt to eat cleaner. I feel incredibly unattractive and just miserable.

I had my first match on Tinder yesterday. I don't even remember swiping her to be honest, she's cute though. She's really into video games, which is a bit odd to me because I've never really had anything with anybody who was into them. I'm not sure if I'd like it. I don't think she's very local to me, she's staying at a different university anyway. We spoke for a little while and she does seem nice, I'm just not sure if I'm very invested or into it. I honestly don't know what I want anymore. Part of me thinks that I'm just in a permanent state of lust right now. Do I really want a relationship or am I just in the mood to fuck certain people? It's probably the latter, shamefully. I don't really think I'll ever find anybody I care about enough to pursue another relationship. I've hurt several people and I am so sick and tired of being the bad guy. I just don't think I can do something like this again. People are catching on too, I guess when you're late 20's and you're single, people ask questions. I jokingly told people that I've taken a vow of celibacy, based on the fact that I haven't had sex in over a year (which doesn't bother me at all). I'm not really planning or hoping for anything. I think I'm in dangerous waters probably romanticising about having a relationship again, rather than the rest of the stuff that comes with it. I think I'm on some ridiculous quest to feel validated, appreciated, loved? I don't know.


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