Gorgeous_Nightmare

The World Behind My Wall
2018-12-20 00:34:49 (UTC)

It's Not Right But It's Okay

I really need to get a better sleeping schedule. It's never going to happen, but at least I'm acknowledging that it is indeed an issue.

B and I went out to this cute little bar downtown tonight, they have the cheapest drinks and they really pack a punch. It almost seems like their goal to get you as fucked up as possible. I don't know how I did it but I down 4 drinks in the span of maybe 30 minutes. I apparently needed them. I fucked up and ordered a Vodka Redbull as my first drink knowing damn well I have to work in the morning, I was hoping the Redbull would have worn off from us walking around the square...it has not.


I've been trying to spend as little time at home as possible when he is here. It's not awkward, but it's awkward if that makes sense. I have also caught wind that he is starting to villanize me...that I have a major problem with especially because I've pretty much kept my mouth shut. I try to live a semi private life as far as posting about personal issues on social media. Unless it's about mental health or something. Now all of a sudden YOU were the one that wasn't happy? I wasn't good enough for you? I alienated you from your friends? What complete bullshit. I would have to make him go out with his friends to which he responded he didn't care about having friends. Sounds like you did that to yourself, buddy. I spent more time with his friends than he did. Nothing pisses me off more than being accused of stuff I didn't do. I wasn't good enough yet I'm the only one who made you get your shit together, I'm the only one that was there when no one else was, I am the only one of your significant others that stayed loyal to you. I could go on and on and on. It's fucked up, but it's fine. Just shows who the bigger person is I guess.

I'm at my breaking point to be completely honest. I need people to stop wasting my time. Like either stay or go, but tell me before I waste any more time pouring myself into a friendship, relationship, whatever it is just to be left later. I try way too hard to maintain relationships with people who could care less. Trying too hard is better than not trying at all I suppose. I'm just tired of being walked all over I guess or thrown to the side like I don't matter. I feel my circle getting smaller and smaller as time goes on.


I finally finished the art piece I was working on and I am absolutely in love with it. Knowing myself I'll probably add more to it later, but I am scared to mess it up. It's gorgeous. Things could have been done better, but all things considering I really love how it came out. I'm not sure what to do with it. Most of my others end up in the trash. Maybe I'll put it in a sleeve and keep it? A friend was telling me I should sell it, but I highly doubt anyone would buy it; she hypes me up way too much haha.

I'm in so much physical pain, everything hurts. Not because of drinking, I've just been really rough on my body lately. I just want to cuddle while having my hair played with. Tell me your life story, your darkest thoughts and desires, your dreams and aspirations. Never gonna happen. At least I have Zero and my cats.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Cm7zr27Onk

Until next time




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