2018-12-17 17:46:02 (UTC)


December 17, 2018 Monday 4:46 PM

You know, I have an exam at 9 AM tomorrow so I shouldn't be this preoccupied but I jusuususutt wanted to Update My Future Self with the current happenings. Now, I don't know if this is still the case, but me and myself have a history of only writing whilst sad, and sadness has a tendency to happen when not-busy (or I make time to rant about my sadness when I am busy). Meanwhile, with happiness I usually want to share it with others or I place it aside so I can get shit done, but here??? Right now???? I'ma share with y'all. Not the extent of my gladness, but just a small factor involved, which is the dude I've had a crush on all semester. He lives in my complex and he used to be in my lit class, but I think he was only there for shopping period. Now I see him leaving the lecture right before Lit. Theory, which I think is the class on Ishiguro (so I'm jealous).

What a beautiful man, can I say. He looks like what would happen if my therapist impregnated a horse. Now, yes. A lot to unpack there, I know. But we're going to ignore that and go on with my age-and-species-appropriate crush on this guy. He is part of the EMT team, I can tell by the pants he wears. He's tall and has this thick black hair (mane???) and some kind of well-trimmed stubble thing, which is right up my alley, as I can do clean-shaven, and I looove touching stubble, but I tend to dislike beards. They freak me out. Don't you get food stuck in there? Why grow a disguise? Are you hiding something beneath???

His skin is something I had to google, because it's, like, dark-but-not. Medium, says innernet. Vaguely Italian or hispanic, maybe olive-toned? Some warm undertones. I'm getting terracotta vibes.

He's got... the sharpest jaw... a sloping nose... dark eyes, and sharp-ish cheekbones. And he's all lanky but with broad shoulders, and it fucks me up. He's so beautiful. Also, I tend to see him in the library, and today I accidentally chose a seat in direct sight of him so now I comfort myself by looking at whatever sliver of his face is visible and murmuring to myself "So! Beautiful! So beautiful!" And sometimes we make weird eye contact. If it is me catching him, he looks away real quick, and me having been on the end of that understand the nervousness. I do not think the glances are meaningful, since there is really not a lot to look at in the library, but I love them anyway. I saw him eating a bit ago, and the way he chewed in circular jaw motions just—reminded me of a horse, and since I am attracted to him it was very endearing. I will definitely be masturbating to the thought of this beautiful stranger whenever I next get the chance (probs after my exams. Let us schedule my horniness).

Speaking of which, been masturbating more. Not even because I'm ~fertile~ (although I might be? have to check my period tracker), as even then I usually only do it a couple times a week versus my Once Every Two Weeks thing. No, I swear I did it like 4 days in a row, and that was odd. But that was last week and now I'm back to normal. I think maybe my ovaries were just extra eggy that week.

I hope that disgusted you. Good night!!

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