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2018-12-17 18:24:20 (UTC)

Loneliness Kills

Today is one of those days where loneliness consumes. I have felt so low, all day. I've done nothing, I didn't get out of bed until about 12:30pm and as I write this at 5:25pm, I'm already contemplating going back to bed. I feel rough, tired, alone and just straight up sad. I need to socialise more. My social life mainly consists of talking to people via social media anyway but I do genuinely wonder who would actually go out of their way to talk to me if I didn't message them first, hardly anybody I doubt, which leads me back to what I mentioned the other day. Maybe I'm just putting effort in with the wrong people, I don't know. I just know I'm fed up of feeling like this.

I organised a trip to my dad's pub quiz last night, with two of my friends who are a couple, and my other friend, the one that I feel quite strongly for. I haven't seen her in some time, probably not since we went climbing together, which feels like it was eons ago. I think she had been pretty upset with me because I haven't seen her since then but she always told me how busy she was, so I just left her to it. It was nice to be around her but I still do find myself having strong feelings for her that I wish I could just vanquish. It's torture, wanting someone you can't have. You know it's bad but it's a strange and sick addiction, you just want to keep going. You know what they say too, the chase is always better than the catch. It was great to see her, I just don't want to get attached to her. The quiz was fun, we aren't great but we get a respectable score, for our age. My dad does such obscure questions, it's unreal. He loves his 50s and 60s too. It's funny I talk about my friend, I literally just had a snapchat from her and she's moaning about how she's going around supermarkets and town and seeing everybody as a couple and she's on her own.

Oh, I decided to put Tinder on my new phone, don't judge me! I'll probably be rid of it in a week or so, who knows....maybe somebody would actually be interested in my car-crash of a life, I doubt it though. I never really 'dated' when I was younger so I guess I kinda missed out on that. I had my first and only relationship at 19 but there was never really any 'dating' prior to becoming official, it just happened...and 8 years by like they were nothing. I guess I just want that fun and freedom to just have a day with somebody and laugh. I will probably try and put myself out there a bit more when it comes to dating next year I guess.

I have no plans for the rest of the night, I need to keep myself distracted. Maybe I'll find a new TV show to watch on Netflix or something. Tomorrow is officially our 'last day' of college before Christmas but I'm debating whether to go in or not, I probably will. English is my favourite (and best) subject and I'm really getting into Sociology. I've got a feeling it's going to be a really poor turnout tomorrow though, we'll see. I guess this is all from me tonight, I need to go and find something to distract myself with before I have a breakdown.

I really need to get a grip.


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