Canadian Cutie

Life through my spiritual eyes❤️
2018-12-17 06:53:43 (UTC)

Hate trumps love

I didn't sleep at all last night.. I went to bed around 10:30 and tossed and turned.. My mind wouldn't shut off..I gave up at 3:30 and went to the gym til 5:30, came home, showered, fed furbabies and now having my tea. My mind is a mess right now.. I couldn't get my mind to shut off last night at all. My thoughts were racing of what to do. As I stated I messaged my ex over the weekend and tried to explain why I left..How I tried to talk several times that week. How I regretted leaving. He was very unreceptive. If anything.. I know without a doubt He hates me...truly and genuninely hates me. I asked if he really hated me that much.. He said "well your assumptions were all untrue" Any love he had is overshowered by the disgust and hatred he has for me. Hate trumps love. I know this man..I've seen how he is with people he hates..I made that list :*( I then saw he is back at the site we met and I imagine the 2nd one. He was sending a message..He's moved on. He's looking for a new submissive. ( I seriously doubt He could ever find anyone who loves and adores him like I did/do. Who understands him and who genuinely wants to care for him, serve him..the way I did) I would give my last breath to be able to work through this..and in all honesty I tried when I messaged him this weekend. I would love for my Dom to come forward and make all ok like he has many times but he sent a clear sign he's moving on and I should too. Sucks.. I cried. I have to force myself to but my heart doesn't want to let go :( I need to rid of temptation and reminder of him so not to be tempted to message or check on him anymore. He doesn't want it. I deleted the open chat window we had and I need to log into the two places and hide his profile from my view. It's too painful. I laid in bed last night and realized I don't want love or friendship in my Ds..it only brings confliction and pain. I was so unsure of my place in my relationship with my former Dom because our friendship was so strong and so in the forefront. I needed structure and rules and the Ds to be kept at the very front. I often was confused by my lines. That is why I begged for them. I need to feel in my place. I need clear definitive lines. I need to feel my Dom present every moment. Yes..we can have fun and be friends but when the lines done in concrete, there's no confusion. So I can't be in a new Ds and have any sort of love or friendship..it's not what is in my best interest. With him it would have been possible because my (former) Dominant was extremely strong and stubborn as all hell which may have benefited us..He could have kept that line visible even during our friendship..so for now.. I don't want any new ds to have those aspects..strictly Ds...My former made it clear he hates me, wants nothing to do with me and wants to move onto someone else and wants me to move on as well. If I do, I won't be writing about it. I am keeping my Ds private aside from the general life as a submissive.
Now I need to log into those other places and hide his profile from my view :( ..fuck I miss us.. fuck I hate crying :*(

This morning is a hard morning..was dreading today..have to be somewhere for 8:30. With zero sleep and a fuck-ton on my mind. I am really dreading today. God please get me through today.. Hate crying :*(