Nala Toph

Written Thoughts
2018-12-17 00:37:14 (UTC)

My Knives

Dear diary,

It's been two months since my inpatient hospital visit. Why can't I have my knives back? I had to brake down some card board boxes so I asked for my knife and they said I have to give it back, why? It's been two months count it, two months, I even stop cutting before I went into the hospital. So why can't I have them back. I don't understand my parents sometimes, I just want my knives. At least let me have my half broken switch blade. The Bowie knife I sort of understand because of the fucking size of that thing, but if it's self harm that you are worried about I'm not sure why I can't have it. If I'm going to let my skin taste a blade, I'm going to choose something small and razor sharp. Seems like I'm able to catch all the attention I want but I'm not aloud to lose any of it. I swear once I get out of here and live on my own and/or with Leon I'm going to buy every blade I want. I don't understand my addiction to these weapons. Why do I love them so much? Whenever I say I like self harm every one gets up and worries, why? I'm not cutting deep, hardly any blood is being drawn, I sanitize before and after the places I cut, I'm very careful, but most of all, why the fuck is every single person around scared of me?! the blade is literally pointed at me, not you, I'm not being aggressive, I'm not harming anyone but myself and nobody is going to die, not even me because I'm being very careful. This is why I only cut my chest, so people don't see red marks and think I'm a depressed little girl. Doesn't it hurt? No! It doesn't fucking hurt! I guide it down my arm, I'm not stabbing my fucking forearm! Honestly not sure if I will cut again. I do because it feels so good, better then my own sexual activities, but I don't because every fucking person loses their shit. CALM DOWN! Let me live, leave me alone. Yes I'm safe. Yes everyone around me is safe. Yes the animals are safe. Every living breathing thing is safe. No I'm not going to kill myself. No I'm not depressed. No this is not the last time you'll see me. Just give me back what is mine! It's not yours! You don't have the right to keep this away from me! FUCK! YOU! Give it back! Now all I can think about is how to get a knife without them knowing. It can't be online, it would have to be at a local store. I wish I could say I regret nothing. The way they are only encourages me to walk 500 miles. I will admit, I will miss them. I know I will miss them, I know it will hurt to think of them but I'd rather be in a place where everyone doesn't lose their shit over a simple ass matter.

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