marielmia

Mariel is MIA
2018-12-15 07:09:34 (UTC)

To the No Tell Hotel?

The office party was the expected meat market of my coworkers. i was pretty under dressed but considering it was a casual Friday, it should have been ok. i wasn't gonna go home and change like just about everyone else it seems. It made me massively self conscious, but i had no where to hide. Leaving the party was not an option. There were a lot of the girls peeling off for those rented rooms. Fantasy for the night, cause i know from experience, it's all bad the next day.

Somehow, i revel in feeling inferior. When i'm like that, i project these signals that attract men, whose desires are not always (ever?) in my best interest. Such was Friday night. i did go into the party determined not to get involved with coworkers. And though it took a lot for me, i did good on the promise, mostly. Politely fended off a couple lawyers, one who causally touched me throughout our conversation, causing me to flush and give him some hope as evidenced by his constantly rearranging himself during the convo. i did get a little kissy-kissy with Jermaine at this bar we all wandered to after the party but turned him down on going home with him. Truth i also turned him down on going to the men's room with him and finally his Fedex van. He's a persistent fucker but he has the softest and puffiest lips i have ever kissed. Since being with him, i have always wondered what those lips would feel like on me down there, but again, i'm way too self conscious for that. Damn me. Some day i'll be comfortable enough, with or without chemicals, to allow a man down there. i know i am missing out but i am me.
So tonight is movie night and decision night on Brian. We will be the beast with two backs (i did learn in college you know) or just friends for the occasional yoga class and coffee.

I didn't feel it necessary to report my night to M. i'm still unsure about us, considering. He's sent me a package that i'm not supposed to open until he gets here. Preparation for his society investiture, as he calls it. He has told me some of what is involved and it is dark. Medieval, really. But for him, i am putty. Shapeless waiting to be molded to his use. The state i seem to settle into when all else fails. i just don't know. About him. About us. But mostly, about me.




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