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2018-12-15 03:42:27 (UTC)

Haunted By Yet Another Road Not Taken

So the games night went ahead, it was really fun. I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about the new Smash Bros, it's good but.....I don't know. Personally I don't think they will ever make better games than Melee and Double Dash in regards to previous titles. Maybe it isn't so much the game play that is the issue but just the memories I held from playing those games, way back when. The new games are great, no doubt.

I'm fading, big time. I don't remember the last time I got home this late, I didn't expect things to get so wild and now my negativity is in full flow. I guess a lot of stuff has been on my mind lately. I feel very lonely, tonight was good for me because it was nice to actually spend time with people, it wasn't just another day like in college or whatever. I remember when I used to be out of the house all the time, I would always be at an event or surrounded by people. I just lost my way somewhere. I'm getting a lot of vibes that I'm just not a very likeable person anymore. I feel that I've been abandoned by a lot of people or I guess they only talk to me when they want something, I don't know. Do you ever just remember people you were close with and think; "Whatever happened to them?". I think about that quite a lot when I see old people I was close with pop up on Facebook or whatever. I guess we just walk different paths and that's life.

I've been talking to someone the past few days, I went to school with her, she was in my year. I accidently liked one of her pictures on Instagram and it was a few weeks old and I thought it would look odd, so I then messaged her and apologised which in turn probably made it more awkward, I'm an idiot. Anyway, we've been talking for the past couple of days, she sent a few selfies on snapchat and I told her that she still looked really good. She mentioned back to a time where me and her used to go out quite regularly, not in a romantic sense but we just spent a bit of time together. She asked me why I never asked her out. It completely knocked me sideways, I never knew she was interested in me at all. She was probably one of the hottest girls in our year, at least I thought so anyway. She's in a relationship and has two kids now, she was way out of my league anyway. Haunted by yet another road not taken.

In the famous words of Britney, my loneliness is killing me. I find myself falling back into the pits of despair and I don't know, I guess I'm crying out for somebody, something. I think I've been putting a lot of effort and time in with the wrong people. I talk about self love and bettering myself and believe me, I'm trying. I just, I don't know..I want to feel whole. I feel like I need some sort of routine and I need somebody to keep me in check. I feel like a lost puppy. I feel like everybody's lives are coming together and mine is just a pile of shit. The holidays are approaching and I really don't want to be this negative mess, I would at least like to escape it for a few weeks. I just feel washed up. There are so many things that I wish I could change, go back and do differently. The most annoying part is, we know we can't change it, so why do we continue to think about it? It's torture.

I've been getting close with somebody lately, she's pretty cool, she's Greek. I think we're quite similar, her humour is great, she really makes me laugh. We've been talking quite a bit lately and I think she's good for me, she makes me think. It sounds stupid but I don't know, she makes me feel valued and motivates me. She asks me questions that not even my friends or family do, just simple stuff like 'how are you?', 'how was your day?' etc. I think maybe I've overwhelmed her lately because I guess I can talk a lot of shit, and I'm losing friends left, right and centre so I suppose I'm grasping at this point. It's just nice to know that there are good people in this world who want to help you.

We all need to try and help each other, we're not all as strong as we'd like to be.


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