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Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-12-10 13:30:11 (UTC)

Depression, Songs & Suicide

I was talking with a friend about funeral songs, she asked me if they were common. I had never really thought about it to be honest, I mean, in the UK they are and I would assume the US too? She is from Dubai, I'd never really thought about other cultures and things like that. I linked her 'Here Without You' by Three Doors Down and then 'One More Light' by Linkin Park. They have been my choice of songs for a while now. 'Here Without You' always reminds me of an Eddie Guerrero memorial, it's a really beautiful song, I've always loved it.


'One More Light' has a lot more meaning for me, I could talk about that song forever. Chester was so iconic for me when I was growing up, I spoke about him in other entries before. I loved everything about him, everything he represented. I wanted my hair dyed and spiked blonde, I wanted his flame tattoos, I was obsessed. LP's music spoke volumes for me and not to be overly dramatic, they probably saved me. They made me feel like I wasn't alone. I think the reason 'One More Light' is so powerful is because after watching the Chris Cornell tribute, I don't know. Neither of these men are here anymore and that scares me. I'm scared it will happen to me one day, I'm pretty sure it will. I've romanticised with the thought of suicide for a number of years but something grips me here, is it fear? Maybe.


I never expected to make it to 27, I have been depressed since I was 15 years old and yes, I've made poor choices but I've also been treated badly too. People have taken advantage of me, I've been used, treated like shit, beaten. I thought after the break up then that was it. The relationship was the shining light in my life and yeah, I fucked that up, I own that. The relationship doesn't matter now and just because one thing stops or breaks, doesn't mean life stops or the world stops turning, it doesn't. I wish I did kill myself because I feel when I was in that fragile frame of mind, I could have been pushed. It sounds sick but I think if I had some encouragement, I'd have gone through it.


I'm still here, somehow, and I intend to keep writing here for as long as I last.


3 Doors Down - Here Without You - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPBzTxZQG5Q
Linkin Park - One More Light - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kaUvGSLMew


Edd


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