2018-12-08 03:58:31 (UTC)


I can't always make one bad decision. I have to make multiple in a row. That's the way life works.
I asked Adeel for money today. I don't know what my intent for the money is, other than that I lied to him. I've been passively just sucking in money from people who want to support me and I've been taking it for granted. I've completely stopped posting things for Humans of UIS somewhere in November. I kept smoking Goober's pen and he asked me to buy weed. I'm somehow still constantly checking Facebook to waste my time and Grindr to look at guys. These processes are so destructive.
If this is the way my life is going to go, I have to make a few revisions. But I am so past the point of thinking that everything's going to come easy when I've been knowing it could never be that way. I have to keep writing. I have to keep growing. I have to keep saying that I can make it another few months but it is SO taxing on the soul. I love learning but I am tired of it. I want to travel. I want to laugh. I want to mess around. I want to be established, happy, and just plain satisfied. I am over here telling Josh to not get comfortable but I am doing the exact same thing, mooching off of everyone else, expecting money and support to just keep coming my way. I have some serious flaws that I need to fix.

I'm tired of acting like I'm not waiting around for someone to fix my problems. Clearly, my history of behavior shows that all I do is rely on other people to fix my problems since I can't do it myself. I can't get a job. I don't have a car, and I don't have a license. I don't have a degree yet, I'm not in Chicago, and I am unhappy. I have to spend a month in Chicago doing nothing again. I want to have a cute little apartment to myself already. I want to pay my own dumb bills and move on with my dumb adult life. It's not that I want to grow up too fast, but right now, I am definitely going too slow. I don't even know if these struggles are worth it sometimes.

But you know what really, really pisses me off? Mustafa Jibawi. I texted him telling him that I thought about him multiple times over the year, and he never replied, ever. But then he calls me once super early in the fucking morning - and then proceeds to ignore me again forever. What is that? How am I supposed to interpret that? I remade this Facebook and I suddenly have all these people adding me and wanting to be my Facebook friend when they never gave a shit about the things I did in the first place. No one felt the need to appreciate my struggle. Funnily enough, I was the type to post all about it on Facebook. But I realized I was seeking attention, which felt disgusting, and the constant need for psychological approval and validation through Likes and comments became too overwhelming.

I come to UIC one time during Thanksgiving, and suddenly everyone is happy to see me, and "it's been so long since we've talked." Y'all assholes left me in Springfield completely fucking alone. I nearly abandoned my religion. I don't practice and I barely pray. I'm constantly hooking up with other guys, smoking, drinking - I feel like there are two separate Elijahs and neither one of them is happy with the other. And then two separate Elijahs split between Chicago and Springfield, which feels like four Elijahs competing in my head. The Springfield RN Eli, the Chicago RN Eli, the Springfield fuckup, the Chicago fuckup...all voices in my head literally always telling me to feel good or bad about something. I hate that life is so complex like this.

More than anything, I'm tired of people. And I am so tired of myself most of all. I am so tired of reliving my mistakes constantly. I am so tired of studying. I am so tired of caring. So tired of being judged. So tired of making errors. So tired of not. being. good. enough. I will never know what is right or what is wrong, and some people seem to think I am insane for it. What is the point? What, is the point?

There are stars in my system.
Alcohol and drugs.
Rice and water.
Dead, dying, millions of miles away. Lights escaping the cadavers of their gas chambers.
Reaching out into the ever-expanding continuum of space and time.
Just reaching our planet. Only visible now. Only closer.
Only dead the entire time.

What is the point?