Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-11-28 20:05:04 (UTC)

nothing new

eli. - nothing new; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOZ-oK-lbIw

It's been a few days since I've written anything. I guess I've been soul searching or something along the lines of that; trying to understand myself a little better. There's been a lot of self-loathing, but that's nothing new. I find myself still looking for answers to questions that no longer have any meaning. It's a very odd sense of torture, I don't know why I'm doing it or why it keeps happening. I'm lucky to still be here and I understand I have a future, but I feel like I'm obsessed with the past. I can't wait for this year to end.

College has been going well. Tuesday was really fun, I had plans to write something about that but I just got sidetracked. The college workload is getting a bit more strenuous which is good, it keeps me busy and stops my mind from wandering as much. Our group (what little members we have left) really bonded on Tuesday. People took it in turns of practising presentations and it was just a really nice atmosphere, lots of laughter, I actually felt quite content, for once. I'm getting quite close with one of the girls on the course, we're speaking quite regularly. I almost feel tempted to ask her if she wants to do something outside of college sometime but, she would just become another victim and another person that I'll end up hurting. Not that I'm arrogant enough to think she'll give me a chance anyway.

When it comes to relationships, women, I just feel numb now. I mean, I think a tiny bit of desire is there, but not enough to ever think "I really want to pursue that". I was on the bus Tuesday morning on the way to college, I saw this couple with their two children and it honestly made my heart melt. I wanted that so badly. I still do, I just don't think I'll ever find somebody again who will make me feel that way. I feel like I'm very much a 'one and done' kinda guy, I had my chance and I fucked it up, naturally. It was adorable to watch though. I'm still too fragile to contemplate anything. I can't look after myself, let alone kids.

I think if I'm ever to have another relationship again, I need to be somebody. Even if I was mentally stable, I can't do it as it stands. I'm a 27 year old, jobless loser who lives with his parents. I'm not really selling it, am I? I'm the biggest red flag. I think people can see the damage and sadness in my eyes anyway. It's become incredibly more difficult to mask. I would need to be in another job, I would ideally like to be in university. I just don't really know where somebody would fit into my life. I just don't really believe there is something about there that I will deem 'the be-all-and-end-all', that 'ride or die' feeling. I know it isn't something that you can plan and I know I shouldn't be so negative about it, but you know me...