Scream Above the Sounds
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My Own Worst Enemy
It's no surprise to me, I am my own worst enemy.
I'm trying to be better and give myself things to be positive about. Christmas is fast approaching and that always puts me in the best mood, I'm never sure why. I wish we had more snow. We had snow in February for what must have been the first time in about 8 years. I can still remember when I was about 14 or 15, it snowed and my dad went out into the garden and made a snowman...on his own. I can remember us all laughing at him. He's a weirdo. Christmas used to be amazing in my house. We had the biggest house in the family so everybody used to come here for Christmas dinner and stuff. I used to have a great time with my cousins, we used to play football and video games and stuff. We stopped doing it years ago though because people were starting to have families of their own and it felt cruel to take them away from their toys/presents for the day. It's a shame though, I'm not super close with my family but I really did appreciate those times.
I woke up late today. I originally set an alarm for 1pm so I could watch the Arsenal game. I ended up turning the alarm off and going back to bed, oops. I stayed up pretty late last night playing FIFA with one of my friends, and then I jumped on Final Fantasy for a bit afterwards. I ended up getting out of bed at like 3pm. I really need to discipline myself and start behaving better. I already know I'm going to stay up late tonight, probably doing the usual. Playing video games and there's also a wrestling pay-per-view I want to watch. I've also gotta make a start on my assignments, either that or I blast them out all day tomorrow, probably the latter.
We're going to have to do our presentations for English on Tuesday and I really don't want to. I just feel like all my confidence has been sapped and I don't feel like I'd be able to deliver it very well. I honestly don't even think anybody is going to do it. We have a Facebook group with everybody in our class and all people talk about is how they aren't doing the work or they don't wanna do it. I mean, I don't want to do a presentation either but if we're getting marked/graded/assessed on it, then I will. Why come back to education if you're just going to fuck about? It doesn't make sense. I don't want to go first but hopefully people have done it and are willing to present it and then we can all just get comfortable.
This week was so much better than last week. It felt much easier to sleep and I actually managed to attend college all week, I felt stronger. I really hope I can keep this up and I don't let things get the better of me again. I'm just tired of feeling so exhausted and drained. It's not even the workload of college or anything, it's just me. I just genuinely feel out of it. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just get my shit together (I wonder how many times I've said that on this website?)