My Memos To The Void
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The thing about depression
The thing about depression is that the movies make it seem like some sort of sadness, the kind of emotional hurt that being loved could've fixed. Like having a supportive parent, good friends, or a boyfriend to kiss it away would make it better. But the truth is nobody will understand. No boy will see scars and want to kiss them and hold you, they give you a scared look, the one that says "i cant tell if i need to call a mental hospital or not"
Depression is having a full bladder, but debating on weather its worth a trip to the bathroom or if you can hold it.
Depression is staring at the wall, knowing you have a list of stuff you should do, stuff you might even want to take care of, but not having any ability to make yourself do it.
Depression is "why should i shower, nobody is going to see me today."
Depression is "I can just tie my hair up, dont need to comb it, its fine"
Depression is " I am not going anywhere and i cant bring myself to clean my teeth so it doesnt matter anyway"
Depression is only ever wanting to lay in bed, the only place where nothing is expected of you, and nobody knows what a mess you are, as soon as you get out of bed you want to go back, and as soon as you go back to bed you never want to leave.
There are texts I cannot put in the effort to answer.
There are people who I want to see but I am so damn tired all the time.
There is a list of chores I wish i could just get up and do, because im sure it would feel better, but i cannot bring myself to do it.
There is food in my fridge, but its downstairs and I'd have to make it, so i dont eat.
I am a damn mess, but I go to work and smile at people and nobody knows that I lay here wishing i didnt exist on my days off or before/after my shift.
I seem like im okay though, I seem like i have energy to those on the outside. Because I slowly pick myself up, piece myself together, and very carefully put on the face they want to see. "Sorry i didnt see that text!" is a popular phrase. I come to work in the only clothes i washed, my uniform, and pretend like ive got my life together.
I just want to be normal. Just for a little while. I am so, so tired.