i don't really know how this whole thing works. i googled places to read people's diaries online because i was feeling lonely and i found this website and it seemed to be the only one where people wrote semi-truthfully. guess i'm feeling like doing that too.
i went to therapy today and my therapist and i talked about how i feel like there is a black, dark, evil core to my being. i feel like other people can sense this and they stay away or i see it in myself and push people away because of it. whichever way it is it's left me feeling alone and like i have no friends. it doesn't help that i live alone.
my therapist said the feelings of worthlessness and lonlieness are from the things my parents said and other things about my childhood. she's right, the messages we get when we're kids are the things that echo back to us throughout our whole lives. i know this. i've thought about it a lot and never really understood that it came from somewhere, i just thought i was born bad. i guess i just like the idea of that. like i'm a character in a movie who doesn't need love. too cool to care if someone loves them or not. if i'm the character begging and pleading for love, outwardly, well no one wants to be that guy.
i don't want to be myself, either, i'm not sure who that is but it hasn't been going too well. i am not really making any friends in college and my experience with tinder and okcupid is....sparse and depressing. i try to message girls and they either don't message back or i read what they say and forget to answer. i think i might be doing something wrong.
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