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2018-11-21 23:23:10 (UTC)

Vent #1

I don't know why I'm here. I'm just sort of at a place where I have a lot to say but really have no one to say it to. Maybe writing in here will come back to bite me in the ass one day, but I'm just going to have to take that chance. I'mm basically using this site as therapy, I guess. I have been feeling like absolute shit these last couple weeks. I've isolated myself to the max. I've never felt this alone before. It first started with my "friends". This year they completely replaced me with this other girl, let's refer to her as "A". Know I'm not going to play the victim because I'm well aware that I also pulled away. Whenever I was with them I felt as though I was always just bothering everyone and that no one really wanted or needed me there. My worst fear came true these last couple of weeks. As I stated above I completely isolated myself and no one seemed to care or even notice for that matter. You know I try to play it cool and act as if I don't care or that it isn't a big deal but these are lies that I repeat to myself to make myself feel at ease. The truth is I do care. I do care. These were people who I had spent more than 4/5 years with. I had gotten to know these people and, well I thought they had gotten to know me, but they threw me aside like a piece of trash and replaced me like I was nothing, Just a waste of space. Sometimes I feel like I'm looking down at myself from somewhere above. It's an odd feeling. Ever since I was little I considered myself a loner but the truth was, I wasn't back then. I had friends. I had formed meaningful or as meaningful as I could for that age, relationships which I hadn't been aware that I'd look back on one day and reminisce on. Now I was truly a loner. I spend my days imagining about the different conversations I could have with my so-called "friends", I imagine them asking me why I've been so distanced, and me trying to play it cool and act as if I didn't know what they were talking about. I spend my days imagining someone cared about me. As I'm writing this I'm thinking about why I'm doing this and what purpose this is serving. All I can come up with is that, I'm writing this in hopes that someday I'll look back at it and feel fulfilled. I hope that when that happens, I'll be happy. I hope I won't wake up every morning and wish I was stuck in an eternal coma. I hope that I'll wake up and feel secure with my life, my body, and lastly my thoughts.