edd

Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-11-21 20:15:11 (UTC)

Self Love

Today has been a better day. I'm not jumping the gun and getting all positive because I know as soon as I get into bed tonight, it'll all go out the door. I'm going to enjoy this feeling right now though.


I'm dreadful at Maths or 'Math' as some people call it, you weird Americans! I kid. I am honestly awful, by all accounts. I dread when I have to take the exam. Today wasn't so bad though, we started a new booklet and its about shape and space, stuff like that. I'm a lot better at that than previous work so it's a positive, for now. I'm trying to have a bit more confidence in myself. My confidence has been shot for ages now, well over a year. I'm honestly a shell of a man. I used to actually have a bit of charm about me and actually feel comfortable; now I just despise myself.


I'm trying to love myself a bit more. There is just no way I'll ever be able to make something of my life if I continue in my defeatist ways. I've got to stop being so self destructive and the ticking time bomb people say that I am. I CAN change and I want to change. I think I'll get there eventually, but not without hard work and a lot of patience. There's just no chance of me ever letting somebody else into my life either if I continue with this reckless and volatile behaviour. I'm still adamant that I'll never have another relationship. It's something that I think of every now and again but there are just too many obstacles in my life right now. That, and I'm a walking embarrassment. I think if/when I move out, it'll be me and a cat. The dream team.


I've got two presentations that I have to do in the next few weeks in college. I'm usually fine at public speaking but I don't think I'm going to do well this time around. I'm feeling very nervous about stuff and that just isn't me. I'm usually cold as ice when it comes to stuff like this. I think everything has had a knock on effect and I'm just struggling to find the old me. I feel like I've lost my mask. The paper that covered the cracks is gone and I finally feel exposed. I think I have a spark but I have to find a way to keep the demons at bay and apply myself and be the best person I can be.


I've spent a lot of time with one of my friends on Final Fantasy XIV since coming home from college today. It's been a lot of fun, it's incredibly satisfying to play and it's honestly a role players dream. I bought my own house in game and we've been decorating it this afternoon. It sounds ridiculous, and it is! It's great fun though. It's such a strange element to have in an MMORPG, it's like playing The Sims! It's very addictive. I've enjoyed playing it in my downtime and when my college work isn't so strenuous. It serves the same purpose as every other video game I sink my teeth into it; its an escape.


I'm going to start running I think. I want to get out of the house a bit more. As much as I love coming home and playing video games all day, I do realise that it isn't healthy. I've been playing games this excessively for so long though. It's just in my DNA. I played World of Warcraft since 2005, prior to that it was Warcraft III, before that it was consoles: the Gamecube, the PS2, the n64, the list goes on. The thought of finishing college and just instantly getting the bus home, I dunno. It's just not very inspiring and it's extremely repetitive. I don't really have anything else to do and nobody ever asks me to do anything anyway, so maybe I should start running. I want to get fitter, I'm very unhappy with the way I look at the minute. I'm too scared to join a gym. I would need somebody to come with me and show me the ropes because I'm a baby.


Edd


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