My Memos To The Void
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2018-11-21 17:26:57 (UTC)

Thoughts at 3:27AM

I have had so much trouble sleeping lately. I have gotten used to Connor staying over at my place, and even though its been a long time since he's been a regular visitor in my bed, i think it's just now been effecting my sleep. I believe this is obviously psychological, its only effected me after Connor has been out of town for work. He is back now, and i only saw him for a night. He will be visiting again before leaving for another month for his next job.
As odd as it is he found porn on my computer, yes, porn, sorry internet but women watch that stuff too... and he asked about it. I know we are into some pretty kinky stuff, and have experimented quite a bit but i was really embarrassed about it. He brought it up again today on the phone. I had been looking at sensitive content involving "breeding". Basically purposely impregnating a girl because thats what she is there for, to have children. Anyway, as ashamed of that search, we did talk about it a bit... and I ended up admitting that it was not so much that idea, or it wasn't so much the smut that i liked... I liked the idea of actually getting pregnant... on purpose.
Of course, for me, that is unrealistic. I am trying to go to college, work, and figure out how to pay my rent and car payments all at once, I am fairly young and quite overwhelmed. I obviously do not need to have a child right now, but... eventually I would really like to. Not just generally, but with him. Apparently he was okay with that, and said it was good to know that i thought about those things. I was concerned that thoughts like that would scare him off but i suppose not. I was thinking of names, even, but I hold myself off of those thoughts for now...
Well, until I have a child I will stick to ridiculously kinky sex, shopping at adult stores every other week and having some very fun sessions.

I guess until next time, my dear friend and know-er of my deepest secrets,