Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-11-20 05:42:25 (UTC)

Jobless, Hopeless, Lifeless

I went to bed pretty early last night. I was actually asleep before 10:30pm, I was very impressed with myself. Sadly, it was too good to be true and I ended up waking up at 1:30am, I've been up ever since. I've tried to get back to sleep but it just isn't happening. I switched on Monday Night RAW and instantly regretted it. Such a god awful show with some really poor writing and decision making. I don't know why I even entertain it anymore.

I started job hunting after RAW finished. I am feeling major depressed right now and I regret leaving my old job so much. It was a very toxic and shit atmosphere but at least I was earning. I'm already counting down the days until I've got no money. I am fucked. I'm thinking that I may even have to just walk home from college this week, just to save what money I can. Getting the bus 4 days a week is proving to be quite expensive. I've been looking for jobs for the last two hours and it's making me so miserable. I haven't even looked at my bank account in the last week or two because I dread to think how little is in there. It's gotta be about £40 at best. I'll be at the end of my rope soon and then I'll be asking my parents to help me out, sigh. I am so fucking pathetic.

I should have just kept things going and persevered with my job. I knew I was looking for an escape and honestly, I did need it. I felt increasingly happier after breaking away from there and putting one of the worst chapters of my life to bed. Maybe that's a bit dramatic, I did have some good times there and made some good friends. Have to take the good with the bad though, and fuck me, there was a lot of bad. I was genuinely contemplating messaging one of my managers on Facebook and asking if I could potentially return, but I'm far too embarrassed to even consider it. It would be wrong to go back.

It's my birthday in January and I will likely see some money then, but I'm honestly struggling right now. I'm so grateful that my parents have given me my old bedroom back, but I feel so guilty that I can't contribute to rent or anything right now. My parents are pretty well off but that's not the point. I feel like a fucking loser and this isn't fair on them. I'm just capitulating right now. Fear and anxiety is taking over. I feel so embarrassing. Just another mistake in a grand series of fuck-ups, it's not even surprising at this point. I don't even think I can apply for benefits or 'Job Seekers Allowance' as it's called here, because I'm in education. I'm going to have to read about that later when I get home from college. I just need to be earning, I need to feel comfortable. I don't even need a lot of money, just enough that I can grasp a tiny bit of happiness. Whether it be subbing to my favourite game for another month, or paying for another month of Spotify, or even just going down to the store and buying my favourite snacks. I need that. I cannot continue to be this embarrassing waster. This isn't who I am. I should be doing so much better than this. If I had to describe myself in two words: wasted potential. I'm going to just curl up into a ball in my bed, with a bit of luck hopefully I won't wake up.


The days are getting harder and the walls are closing in. I need help.


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