LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2018-11-19 16:27:34 (UTC)

Let me come over

"Gospel" by The National [this hurts me]

I got two armfuls of magazines for you, I'll bring 'em over
So hang your holiday rainbow lights in the garden
Hang your holiday rainbow lights in the garden
And I'll, I'll bring a nice icy drink to you

Let me come over, I can waste your time, I'm bored
Invite me to the war, every night of the summer
And we'll play G.I. blood, G.I. blood
We'll stand by the pool, we'll throw out our golden arms

Darlin', can you tie my string?
Killers are callin' on me
My angel face is fallin', feathers are fallin' on my feet
Darlin', can you tie my string?
Killers are callin' on me

November 19, 2018 Monday 3:29 PM

I don't know how I feel about holidays; I think I oscillate kind of wildly between hating them and loving them—getting kitschy little decorations, shopping online for presents, creating holiday playlists. And on the other hand they are exhausting precisely because of the things I like about them, the sheer... effort... that goes into celebrating other people. I don't know, none of my own words make sense to me. I am quite cold right now and the day did not like me.

I slept through my first class, and when I woke up I had very unsubtly gotten my period which was a nice sort of Welcome Back to Wakefulness from my vagina... And then I went to get food and print out a paper that was due in ten minutes from that time. The printer wasn't working and by then I decided to skip class and send my essay electronically because I was just—done already. I went to the Ratty with the thought I could charge my laptop and study Russian, but my charger wasn't working and my laptop was at 15%. I tried the charger in other locations and realized it was broken. In Russian, I spilled coffee on my jeans and now they are stained. And also after that I walked to the mall and they were out of the charger I needed, but I managed to find it at the bookstore. So my day wasn't terrible, but it was just anti-me I think and I've felt nauseated for a few hours but at least I don't have a migraine any more! (I had one all weekend)

Speaking of which: my weekend was really nice. On Saturday at work we had basically nothing to do and there was a work party occurring during my shift; so I just brought my workers up to the party and we chatted and ate pizza. After work I did some of my paper and then Nadiya invited me to a folk-but-not-folk concert downtown. She'd also experimented with infusing her cheap Crystal Palace vodka with some grape Nerds. It didn't taste bad??? It tasted like—grape medicine, sort of. Which is better than what it was, because Crystal Palace is actual trash. It did, however, maintain that gross burn that feels like the start of a sore throat, which makes me miss the nicer vodkas that go down with less of a murderous intent on your trachea. Yes, it's poison, but do we need to acknowledge that? Maria was also there and she managed to drink it fastest of any of us, and I think this is because she found it more revolting than either of us and didn't want to drag it out. I got weak and drowned the last bit of it in water, which I then chugged.

I'm bringing home Nadiya and Maria for Thanksgiving. On the Lyft ride downtown I told them about the places I used to go and they asked about the people we might meet. I told them about Alexis, I mentioned Liv, and I also talked about that kid from high school who smelled bad and has the worst politics but is nice enough. I figured we might see him around; I think I catch a glimpse of him every time I go home. I also said we might see Adrian, although I don't know if Pratt's breaks coincide with Brown's. Wait, but this is Thanksgiving, so probably... Anyway I don't even know if he hangs around the places I hang around. And now that I think about it I think Liv's the only person I know that is still friends with him. I mentioned it anyway because he always bobs up when I think about home, and I find myself getting angry and nauseas, and basically I have unresolved issues involving Adrian and I don't know how to work them out or if it is even worth it. It is some kind of outwardly projected hate that stems from a suspicion that, actually, I am the one to blame.

Anyway. They asked if he was my ex, and I said no, I actually like my ex Isaac and he'd be fun to chat with if we saw him around. But I don't know his number anymore, which makes me sad, because I like to be reminded of why (1) he's a good person and why (2) he also sucks in some ways.

The folk concert was lame. Maria and I tried to dance with each other and failed because we couldn't figure out how to gender role ourselves and Maria said we'd make the worst lesbian couple and I took mild offense but did not say anything because ultimately it has no bearing on my life. I just said, "It's because neither of us has any feelings," referring to our shared habit of failing to Love People beyond ourselves, lmao. I don't know if she understood but she did a side nod like she did.

Back at Nadiya's and Maria's dorm, we drank more and played a game of Space Team in which I think we got to Sector 6. It was a bit harder in that we were all vaguely drunk and we stopped going in order after, like, Sector 3 so there were some internal power struggles that slowed down our ability to function efficiently as a team :) but it was fun and I'm maybe definitely over-intellectualizing.

After that we watched Over the Garden Wall and I felt so happy. I started to fall asleep and Maria suggested I sleep over. I slept in her bed and Nadiya was with us for a bit but then she migrated to the floor and, at 5 AM, the couch and, at 11:30 AM, her bed (before we forced her up at noon because she'd suggested we get brunch). I don't think I slept well but it felt like I did; I was so comfortable. Maybe that's the secret to avoiding my night-time drunk depression: just sleep next to another person. Doesn't matter who. It was nice and warm and soft. Maria got up way before me, but it was still warm and nice even after she got up.

We ate food on Wickenden street, all hungover, and then went to an antique shop down the street and bought matching Tigger dolls with different outfits because we are terrible people and we spent eight dollars per doll on that shit. Mine is one with pajamas; Nadiya's, a skeleton costume; Maria, just a regular naked Tigger but he had something hard inside him among the stuffing, the shape of a small plastic box. She said, "I had this exact Tigger as a child and he did NOT have anything inside him," and we identified a spot in the back where his spine had been sewn shut and posited that there were most definitely drugs within this Tigger and we had to buy him if only to perform surgery.

After that we rode the bus to Savers and bought some clothes and went to the dollar store, and then rode the bus back and went our separate ways before meeting back up for dinner at Jo's, where we started making up a movie. Basically, I was thinking about trashy early-2000s movies where the sole goal is to get a guy laid and I thought about Nadiya's and Maria's roommate (and my acquaintance) Greg and how he desires to get laid, so I said "what if we made a movie where we film a porno with Greg as the lead solely for the purpose of getting him laid," and then we fleshed (FLESHED) it out together because it was so dumb it had to be discussed in full. We haven't figured out the ending yet, although I think it will be something where Greg realizes he maybe doesn't want to have public sex but will maybe find a potential partner among the cast.

I think this weekend was one of the best I've ever had while at Brown. I got to drink without feeling ashamed; and I went to sleep without wanting someone else to be next to me; and I rode a bus without being responsible for where to get off; basically lived and talked and did like I didn't have anything better to do or anywhere else to go and it was so nice. I like people a lot, and I never want to be alone again.


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