Scream Above the Sounds
2018-11-19 16:24:22 (UTC)

Time Flows Like a River, and History Repeats

I wish I knew how people could be happy all the time. Even when people are going through their own problems, they are still so welcoming, so helpful. They somehow manage to rise above it. There is a guy who works in the store just down the road from me, he's the happiest guy you will ever see. You could honestly kick him in the balls and he would probably commend you on a good job. It's unreal. It isn't annoying either. Sometimes when people are too happy, that kinda grates on you. This guy is harmless.

I wish I could be like that. It's hard to remember back to before depression took over. To be happy, to be carefree. The past few years, it's felt like groundhog day. I'm not a big believer in anything, whether it be religion, fate, destiny. I'm not hopeful for anything. I'm not sure if maybe that comes down to upbringing or maybe it's just my very narrow and frail state of mind. My problem is, I'm very self destructive. I've had good things in the past and I go out of my way to ruin them. Not even ruin them, completely obliterate them. It's pathetic. I genuinely feel content and feel like change is happening, and I'll just decide to destroy it. Maybe because I'm frightened I'm going to lose it anyway. I don't feel that I deserve to be happy.

Everything does feel very repetitive and I know I'm only 27 but I do genuinely feel like I'm just waiting to die. I know that solely rests on my shoulders too. It's my responsibility to fix this. I'm not a believer of much but I can get behind 'Life is what you make it'. That is absolutely true. I guess the harsh truth is, I've sunk so deep into depression and the depths of despair, that I don't want to make anything of it anymore. I mean, I want to. I just don't have the motivation, the drive, the energy. I feel destroyed. I think the only thing that can save me and truly bring me back is to move to a different city. I think that's the only way I can start again and rebuild myself. There is nothing left for me in this city but painful memories, a bad taste and heartbreak.

I never really thought about the future much, until this year. It's funny how when you've actually got things to be excited for and look forward to for the future, you completely take it for granted. When it's gone, it's all you can fucking think about. I mean, I did think about a family with my ex and things like that, but definitely not to the same degree she did. I guess now I'm just thinking where the hell I'm going to be in two or three years time. If I'm alive, I will likely still be living with my parents. Maybe I will be in University, depending on whether I choose to pursue A-Levels or not. I really don't know. I just need clarity and I need to be better and stronger than this. I feel like a broken record.

No matter how dark the night, morning always comes, and our journey begins anew. - Lulu. Final Fantasy X


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