Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-11-18 00:46:55 (UTC)

I Feel So


These are just a few to name what I'm feeling right now. I feel closer and closer to the end of my rope. I'm currently sat in a Discord channel with three of my friends, yet I still feel so alone. I don't really know what to do or how to improve things. I was feeling so good when I initially started college and to wind up feeling like this now, it just scares me. I'm trying so hard to motivate myself and get excited for things and sometimes it's easy but lately, it's been impossible.

I think I desperately need to find myself a new job because I think I was much happier then. Certainly not with the situation that went on in my workplace but at least having a bit more of a social life and more importantly, earning. Things can't stay like this and I know that. I need to change and I need to change fast. My problem is, I can talk a big game. I actually need to go out there and just do it. I'm a firm believer of you can't help somebody who doesn't want to help themselves. I DO want to help myself, I'm just struggling right now. This week has been one of my worst in months. I've had zero energy and I've honestly struggled to get out of bed at times. I just feel lost.

My parents didn't even speak to me yesterday which was strange. I wasn't sure if maybe I had done something to upset them or they just felt they should leave me be. I don't really leave my bedroom to be honest, I'm very reserved and prefer to remain in my 'fortress of solitude'. I couldn't tell you the last time me, my sister and parents all sat in the front room together. Actually, yes I can. It was Christmas Day, 2017. We'll be doing it again next month. That's the only time. It's sad, it's shit but it is what it is. I wish we were closer but we aren't. I just want to feel acknowledged at least. Even if it's just a "hello".

I'm staying up late tonight, mainly because I probably won't be able to sleep, even if I want to and WWE NXT have a pay-per-view on tonight which looks very good. One of my favourite wrestlers in NXT is wrestling and is actually in the main event so I'm looking forward to that. I feel it will be a good distraction and hopefully a quick fix to this constant despair that continues to haunt me. I just don't want to feel like this anymore.


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