My Diary First Entry:
First, I’m a little apprehensive about doing this, a little embarrassed by my past and afraid if the judgment of others. I’ve read some of the things posted here and think that perhaps there are people here who will accept me and help me to accept myself better.
I won’t use my real name, but I think it only right you know a little about me. I am a single male, age 45 living in a small rural community in Missouri. I’ve never been married and I have no known children.
I have Dark Brown hair, with some gray and hazel eyes. I’m 5’9” and weigh near 175 lbs. That can describe many men so I’ll leave it at that.
I am heterosexual, and no interest in other men at all, I wouldn’t even be interested in a threesome with the third a man. I’m okay with bi, and lesbian women. Sometimes I think I might be a transsexual gay (A born male who feels that he is a she, and a lesbian) I’ll explain more about this later.
I’m the second eldest of what people consider a large family these days. I’ve three younger sisters, and the eldest is a brother. I’ve younger brothers too. They youngest is a sister. Yes, I’m trying to be discrete, and I apologize for it. I wish I could just be totally open. I believe my family deserves their privacy and am trying not to give too much away, for them.
My family was religious, believing in chastity before marriage, marrying in the faith, and no dating until 16. I believe that and other things helped to shape me into the person I am today. In my class, from 5th through 12th grade, I was the only one of the faith, for the longest time, my family were the only ones of the faith in the school. From Jr. High on the others in my class went on dates and enjoyed sex.
I was home, watching the younger siblings, and often having to change diapers or such for them. My mother was going to Collage and my dad was out doing his things. My older brother was apathetic, at best, when it came to taking care of the needs of the others. Sometime he cooked. Often while the parents were out, he’d play with the little sisters in bed, under covers. I could only imagine what was going on, and being a horny teen, well I imagined. I wanted to play the games too, but was always left out, although the brother, just under me joined in. I tried to arrange it so I could play what I imagined, but was always left frustrated in the end. My youngest sister, the family baby was born when I was 13 or 14, and I was a horny teen taking care of her, feeding, changing diapers for her and potty training her.
I love all my siblings, but I love her most, partly because she’s the family baby, I guess. I developed sexual feelings for her, I guess having raging hormones and taking care of a baby sister don’t mix well.
I left home after graduation, living very near home for a little bit, then moving a state away, serving the faith. When I finished that I moved about an hour and a half from home and went to college, making it home about once a month. I heard about things happing between my littlest sister and the other sibs that made my blood boil with envy. I loved her and wanted to do things with her. It was during this time at collage that I first got on the internet, and tried to explore my feelings looking for related things. I didn’t find anything then.
After a while I left collage and joined the military. Once settled at my station, I got internet again, and once more tried to find things related to my feelings. I had more luck. In my third year of enlistment, I ended up in trouble with the law, because of my internet activities. The feds convicted me of Receiving Sexually Explicit photos of minors over interstate means of commerce.
I served my time, receiving absolutely no treatment for what motivated me in committing the crime. I wasn’t allowed to return to Missouri to be near my family, instead I had to go to a homeless shelter nearly halfway across the united states from my family.
I developed health problems, and was unable to do much for employment; I was unable to secure employment and had only minimal community support. I did have group once a week, with assignment to complete and present at therapy, but the conditions I was under were stressful. I returned to old behaviors to cope. Although not to the extreme as before, the police and my supervised release officer took a thumb drive from me with a few images on it. They had no search warrant at the time and they looked at the contents, only later getting a warrant. My public defender convinced me to plead guilty to possession of sexually exploitive material.
I was recently released from prison, the sentence topped, and no parole. I am as free as a person with my convictions can be.
I have had sex only 4 time in my life, the first time at 26 and it was an abysmal first time. It was with a woman about 24 years old, who was doing it more out of sympathy than any other reason. She was having to leave her place and recently learned she was pregnant. I did oral on her, when she wanted me in her I couldn’t get hard enough. A few minutes later, she got a phone call and cried. I tried to comfort her. It wasn’t going well so I left. I had my cock in her a little, but I still don’t know if it should count as losing my virginity.
My second time in ways was the best, she was 16, and neither of us climaxed, but it was very pleasant and lasted until she started getting sore. It happened once. I wasn’t her first, although I wish I were, I cared for her and hope her life has gone well, and that she is happy. Last I knew she was married.
My third time was the first time I came during sex; I was wearing a condom. She was a very big woman in her 20’s, and although clean, her pussy had an aroma that was unpleasant that I didn’t notice until it got juicy. I didn’t do oral on her; it was just a fuck. It was an unpleasant fuck in ways.
My fourth and the last time was the first time I fucked unprotected, it was with a woman 10 years older than me. It was a wonderful experience. Unfortunately, we never got to repeat it. I’ve never been with anyone more than once.
Perhaps many of you think I got what I deserved or that I should’ve been locked away and had the key thrown away. I never took anyone against their will nor do I have any desire to. I have no desire to harm anyone; I want to a family to love all that I’m able to love.
That’s my past in a burp, if you want to know more ask and I may answer. If I do answer it will be truthfully, as this is a true past as best as I can recall.
As many would be disgusted by my dream as my past. I would love to be married to a beautiful woman who was totally okay with a father making love with his daughters, who thought it beautiful. I would love to have daughters who wanted to make love with their daddy.
I would like to have many lovers, mother’s sharing me with their daughters. I think it would be lovely to have identical twin lovers. It may not seem fair, but I would want the girls to be loyal to me, only having sex with me. I do like young girls, but I want anything I do with one to be an act of love as well as pleasure, and to be consensual. I want it to be beautiful, not ugly, sweet, not bitter. I want it to be a fond, pleasant memory for all her life.
I know many would want me shot or locked away for this, but I am sharing the truth, my dream, my fantasy. I doubt it can ever happen. There are men who talk of having young girls like they’re candy, they talk about it like she was a beer and not a person with feelings. I don’t want to be a man like that.
What I like in a girl: Being very young is a huge plus, but if not, I like a tiny petite body with tiny breasts and a bald, little pussy. I find Asian girls beautiful, but I also like blonds with big blue eyes, brunets with sparkling hazel eyes and cheerful smiles. I think any girl with the right body type and a lovely face would be beautiful. There may be some beautiful black girls too with the right body, but I’m not into black girls. I respect them as people, but my experience with blacks in general has jaded me against them. I would be willing to try to be friends with them, and perhaps they could change my mind, I don’t know.
I mentioned that sometime I think I might be a transgendered gay, (a born male who feels he is a she and is lesbian) I sometimes feel uncomfortable with my man parts. I don’t want to get a sex change, or go on estrogen and grow boobs though. I just wish that my parts looked like a girls, the balls internal and the cock extending to play when aroused. I often don’t feel very masculine, but I’m not sure if I feel feminine either, I don’t truly know how females feel. It maybe my history.
It’s very difficult to explain, my feelings about my gender. Perhaps I feel like both a male and female. I think it might be fun to wear female clothing at times, yet I’m totally comfortable in male clothing. Am I screwed up or what?