Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-11-16 02:34:42 (UTC)

I'm Worthless

eli. - worthless :- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cn7x8hs0DXc

You guessed it. It's 1:35am and I haven't managed to sleep. The past two hours have been awful. I just cannot settle at all, I wish I knew what was going on with me. I feel so lost, pathetic and just miserable. My parents can't see it at all. I just don't have any life or energy in me to do anything. I've felt like a zombie this week. I have zero motivation and even the smallest of tasks are a struggle for me. I wish I could make my parents understand how I'm feeling but they won't ever understand. I've felt like this since I was about 15, at 27 now, I can't see anything changing. I'm just holding on for better days.

I am in such a rut right now. I need to improve so many aspects of my life. I want to lose a bit of weight. I need to get a new job. I desperately need to get a new job. I've crippled myself by leaving my old job with nowhere new to go. It was a ridiculous decision to make and whilst it felt good at the time., I'm regretting it now. I can't ever go back there but I really should have had something lined up before I called it quits on that place. I haven't even been looking for jobs. I'm such a pathetic charity case. I'm going to start looking this weekend. I don't even spend or want much. I just need money for the little things. I pay for Spotify and Final Fantasy XIV monthly and that's it. I just need to be earning. It isn't fair on my parents and not having a job is just going to make my mental health and my social life worse. That, and it's embarrassing and unacceptable at my age. Why can't I just get my shit together?

I've decided to bite the bullet and stay up all night tonight. Sleep has eluded me for long enough that I'm not going to lie there and wait for it to collect me. I'm just going to slug it out and stay up. My class finishes at 12:00pm today, which is fine. A few of my friends are meeting up in town today and are heading to something called 'Firestorm Games'. It's supposedly a really popular place here for geeks like us. Board games, Warhammer, all that kinda shit. They have a bar and serve food too which sounds pretty sweet. Sadly, I'm not going to go though. I want to but I just don't feel up for it. I feel miserable, lonely and just damn right depressed. I'm not fit to be around anybody at the minute. I haven't told them that I won't be going yet, but I'll just have to say that my body clock is screwed up and I don't feel up for it. It's been a really bad week.

How did everything turn to shit like this? Christmas is approaching and I'm probably not going to be able to buy anybody anything. I can't even imagine what some family members think of me. I am such a sad act.


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