Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-11-15 02:50:49 (UTC)

What Is Wrong With Me?

Don't answer that.

I don't think I could answer it even if I wanted to. This had been such a bad week. I've been sleeping so bad. It's 1:51am as I write this. Admittedly, I did get into bed quite late tonight but that was because I was trying to exhaust myself and make sure I slept. As you can tell, it didn't work. I got into bed at 9:30pm the night before and expected for a good solid 8 hours sleep, at least! I'm going to have to look at sleeping tablets or something. I feel so tired but I can't sleep. Stuck in reverse. (They are lyrics from a song. (If you know, you know)

I have a long day today, Science & Maths. I say 'long day', it's 9:30am until 2:30pm, it's not so bad. I just know I'm really going to struggle today. I usually have something on the TV to help me settle and sleep. Tonight I settled for Bob Ross. I used to watch him when I was a kid, at my grandmothers house. I always found his paintings fascinating. He makes everything look so simple and easy. I usually listen to peaceful and calming music. As long as something is on in the background, I'll tend to drift off eventually. I don't know what's wrong with me this week. Nothing seems to help. My mum keeps noticing that I'm up really late and is asking why, and I don't have an answer. I look so rough.

I think I've been a bit of a shit friend lately. The girl that I'm really into messaged me and asked if I had done something to offend her, because I haven't messaged her in a while. She hadn't done anything wrong, but she did outright ignore my last message to her, prior to me wishing her a happy birthday on Sunday. I guess maybe I was a little upset about that, it sounds pretty petty. I suppose the reason why I haven't been speaking to her is because I feel so strongly for her. The more I speak to her, the worse it's going to get. There is a weird addiction, wanting someone you can't have. That, and I've just been quite ill and simply just not with it this week. I haven't really been talking or bothering with anybody. I've just been in my own bubble. To be honest, I didn't think she would miss me. Maybe she doesn't, maybe she's just curious to see why I'm not bothering her as much.

I'm going to attempt to sleep after I finish writing this but if I don't get to sleep soon, I'm going to have to miss class. Luckily I'm not too behind in my work so I could probably afford to take a day or two. It's just annoying because I need sleep so bad. I either get too much or not enough, I can never win. I think I'm going to start doing a weekly list of things to do. Even if they are just simple things. I want to feel like I'm doing things and actively working towards things. So many nights I just sit here at my desk, doing nothing. I have no social life whatsoever, it's tragic. Unless things involve video games, I don't really feel that valued by my friends right now. I'm not an attention seeker and admittedly, I can isolate myself. I guess sometimes I just need people to fight for me and help bring me back. Even my parents don't ask how I am or how college is going. I just feel like such a stranger. I mean, I don't expect it from my dad. I don't remember the last time my dad has ever asked me how I am or has told me that he loved me or anything like that. It would be pretty odd to receive a question or statement like that from him now though. I imagine he feels the same way. I expect a bit more effort from my mum though. I am usually okay in my own company and I'll usually have distractions but I suppose my mind is just so scattered right now, I don't really know what I want. I always feel like I'm getting better and then I wind up in a state like this. I don't know what has happened or triggered this, so again, I ask the question; what is wrong with me?

When I broke up with my girlfriend, I didn't have anybody, anybody in touching distance anyway. The people that helped me, saved me and kept me going, were people who didn't even live in the same country as me. My friend Aaron who lived in Newcastle (England). Steve, who was originally from the UK but had moved to Sweden, and our other mutual friend, Spencer. These are guys that I've known for 8, 9, 10 years, all have a very strong bond and have always been there for one another. We know almost everything about one another. It's amazing how powerful the internet and even playing video games together can be. I've met up with all three of them and they are great people. It's hard to grasp how they can be so involved, so invested in helping you and making sure you're okay but....the people I grew up with, went to school with, I don't hear a peep. I guess that's life, right? People come and go. I was in the worst state of my life back in April, May and even deep into June and July, and I hardly heard anything from these so called 'real life' friends. I hit the bottle harder than I ever had. I've never ever turned to drink like that before, I was at the end of my rope. It was incredibly scary. I owe so much to my "online friends". The reason I quote 'online friends' is because it's a silly term. They aren't online friends, they are so much more. They are brothers, it is like a family. It's a community that you won't ever get anywhere else. It's irreplaceable. It's just such a shame that we can't meet up and do things more regularly. I'm grateful for what I do have with them. There are so many people that I'm so glad I met.

I guess the time is upon me to again, turn off the light. I'm going to put on some Death Cab for Cutie and with a bit of luck, fade away. I'm already doubting that I'll even attend college tomorrow. I feel so disappointed in myself. Whether I go in later or not, it's going to be a bad day today.