Scream Above the Sounds
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My Mental Health. I Need Help.
I can't sleep. I feel so ill. I tried to sleep early tonight to hopefully feel refreshed for my first day back tomorrow. Yet here I am, Monday night RAW on my TV and diary entry on my monitor.
I've been gathering all of my work for college and putting them in organised folders and stuff. I've been reading through my English coursework that my tutor marked. I'm excelling. It isn't much because it's high school stuff but it's nice to know I'm doing well. I read through my creative writing piece again and read all his comments. I noticed next to one of my paragraphs he had written 'Bipolar?' and it got me thinking. Am I? I have never thought about it before. To hear 'Bipolar' usually annoys me because so many people try and grasp that and 'self diagnose' themselves with it for attention. I completely sympathise with anybody who does suffer with it. I started researching it and whilst I'm not going to diagnose myself with it, I think I should finally bite the bullet and try and get some help. It's something I've always been terrified of.
I can remember my ex girlfriend taking me to the doctors once because of my depression. My ex girlfriend tried so hard to save me. She would have done anything to rid me of depression. She always told me that she wanted to give me something to live for. She WAS something to live for. She was an unbelievable person. She was the best thing in my life and whilst I couldn't often show my happiness, she kept me going. Her and my mum came with me to the doctors and it was just a shit show. My mum cried, I cried. It was just a mess. I'm not good with talking about my feelings, hence the diary. My mum has never understood depression. She does not understand the train of thought whatsoever. In the past, when I used to feel really low, she couldn't understand or fathom why I couldn't just snap out of it and pull myself together. I think the most broke she ever saw me was when I broke up with my girlfriend and moved back home. That was when she knew it was real. Make no mistake, everybody gets sad, everybody gets depressed. It's life. We all feel and react differently and at one point or another, we will all become overwhelmed and fall into the depths of despair. My problem is, I can't escape. I don't think I ever will. I scratch, I claw but there is just never a way out. I mentioned before about having a family, a successful job, everything I've ever wanted. I feel deep down, I know it isn't going to be enough. I feel at some point in my life, something would take control of me and force me to the point of no return. It's terrifying. It's not a weakness, it's an illness. You are not weak. WE are not weak.
Help is there and admittedly, I have always had too much pride to take it. I'm not ashamed with the way I feel, who I am or the suffering that comes with it. I'm just scared, and it's so difficult for me to open up. I don't want to cry. I don't want to open old wounds that have healed, and some that are currently healing. I am curious to know more about myself and my mental state though. I need to do something about this because it's no way to live. Everyday is a constant battle and I just know one day I'm going to snap. So many times I've felt impulsive and lethal.
It's going to take a lot of courage, determination and for lack of a better word, balls for me to do this. I can talk. I can talk for hours but I know the more I delve into things with this therapist/doctor/whatever you want to call them, I'm going to lose control and I will become so defeated. I feel like such a failure and I just want to feel liberated from all of this. I don't feel like having a definition or being diagnosed with a specific disorder is going to help my cause, but I feel like I have to try and get things under control a bit more. I've done so well to try and maintain what little sanity I have left. I've come too far to just throw in the towel now.
It's been difficult to write this. I'm constantly taking pauses just to put my head in my hands and access the situation and my life. I honestly don't remember a time when things didn't feel this way. I am such a sad, lost soul.
I have to get help.
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