Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-11-11 04:22:40 (UTC)

All I Know Are Sad Songs

I need emotion novocaine.
I need a numbing of my brain.

I need amnesia for a day
and an umbrella for the rain
that hasn't gone away
since you said you didn't need me

The mood hasn't really shifted. I'm still feeling low, pathetic, hopeless. My life just feels so stagnant. I woke up at 2pm today, that felt good. It felt wrong, but God I needed it. I find myself falling back into a familiar pattern. It's 3:25am as I write this, I feel absolutely dreadful. I feel like my eyes are going to fall out of my head.

I've been listening to a lot of sad songs tonight. I mean, I usually do anyway. I find them extremely comforting and it makes me feel less alone. I can remember when Linkin Park first released 'Numb'. I rinsed that song so hard. Every single day. I still remember blasting it through Windows Media Player on my shitty speakers. All the while my parents telling me to turn that 'shit' off. LP are still one of my favourite bands. I'm still so cut up about Chester. He was a hero. A friend of mine, she'll be known as Cazza P, suggested a load of songs to me. I'm going to link two or three of my favourites at the bottom of this entry. Brace yourself though, they are sad. They really spoke to me though. Sad songs speak to my soul and honestly, they remind me that I'm human.

Sometimes I feel so lost, so alone, so alien. I think I always liked to try and play the tough guy and act like nothing is ever wrong. Nobody is ever going to see me cry. Not many people know the real me, the weak me. I'll make the jokes, I'll buy the drinks, I will do whatever it takes to make you feel like you matter in this world because I have felt worthless my whole life and I don't want my friends to feel that way. Depression has plagued and warped my mind for as long as I can remember. Somebody told me once that I was a ticking time bomb and I never really understood what they meant. I was only about 15 at the time. I don't think I ever really knew how bad I could mess things up and stray so far from what I believed in and what I wanted and expected out of life. Poor decisions and an impulsive lifestyle has just turned me into this piece of shit that types here today. I say that I'm changing and I promise, I am. I can promise that I'm such a better person now than what I was back in April.

My problem is, I can't keep the demons away.

gnash - the broken hearts club :- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aa0k5Z07Ok4

gnash - feelings fade :- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcWYXMhM2gY

girls like u - eli. :- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLHf7rAJxGU

distant - eli. :- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXGwAz2ZH0Q&fbclid=IwAR2tTW0uHd8Cjb1UqI3iUCIvUIAgRT5cNoQZSLzPcaD9DHSB1hxousNoSjM